


Tear Me to Pieces; Skin to Bone

by Princessfbi



Category: 9-1-1 (TV)
Genre: Anxiety, Appreciation of different alcohol, Attempted Murder, BAMF Evan "Buck" Buckley, Bars and Pubs, Birthmarks, Bisexual Evan "Buck" Buckley, Bobby Makes the Best Burritos, Buck Centric, Buckley Siblings, Car Accidents, Cuddling & Snuggling, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Established Evan "Buck" Buckley/Eddie Diaz, Evan "Buck" Buckley Needs A Hug, Evan "Buck" Buckley needs a nap, Everyone Needs A Nap, Firefam Feels, Flirting, Fluff, Guilt, Healthy Boundaries, Healthy Relationships, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Implied/Referenced Sexual Harassment, Insecurity, Jealous Eddie Diaz, M/M, Maddie Buckley is a Good Sister, Miscommunication, Non Graphic Depiction of Panic Attack, Non-Consensual Drug Use, POV Multiple, Protective Eddie Diaz, Protective Team, Protectiveness, Romantic Fluff, Serial Killers, Soft Evan "Buck" Buckley, Strangulation, Team as Family, Undercover Missions, Whump, Whumptine 2020, Worried Bobby Nash, Worried Firefam, buddie
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-28
Updated: 2020-06-28
Packaged: 2021-03-04 12:34:06
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 22,766
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24969769
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Princessfbi/pseuds/Princessfbi
Summary: Bobby wasn’t comfortable with the LAPD wanting to use Buck as bait. Because that’s exactly what Buck would be: bait.The LAPD wants to borrow Buck for an undercover mission to hunt down a serial killer. No one is thrilled.
Relationships: Evan "Buck" Buckley/Eddie Diaz (9-1-1 TV)
Comments: 43
Kudos: 717





	Tear Me to Pieces; Skin to Bone

Bobby wasn’t comfortable with the LAPD wanting to use Buck as bait. Because that’s exactly what Buck would be: bait.

Detective Jameson and Captain Maynard shared a look when Bobby said just as much but that only made the unease settling on his chest worse. They were firefighters. Sure, the LAFD and the LAPD were ultimately on the same side but that didn’t change the fact that the kinds of dangers they ran into were very different.

“We recognize,” Captain Maynard said carefully like she was trying to pick each of her words from a field of unripened fruit; not a lot of options but it had to be done. “That this is a little unorthodox---”

“It’s dangerous.” Bobby insisted but Chief Alonzo silenced him with a tap on his elbow.

“Yes,” Maynard nodded. “But we wouldn’t ask unless it was absolutely necessary.”

“And is it?” Chief Alonzo asked a little more diplomatic than Bobby was feeling. “Absolutely necessary?”

Jameson and Captain Maynard shared another glance before Jameson nodded.

“So far, none of our operatives have gotten anywhere in identifying a suspect,” Jameson explained. “The LAPD is full of interesting characters but we’re coming to the end of available officers for the job.”

Captain Maynard nodded. “Your firefighter has a uniqueness that would be helpful to our task at hand.”

Bobby shot a quick look at Chief Alonzo.

Their unease must have still shown on their faces because Maynard sighed, tired and thin, before she placed her hands on her desk.

“Captain Nash, I can understand your hesitation. This would be a big ask of anyone let alone someone who isn’t a trained officer. But I promise you that nothing will happen to your firefighter.”

“Except for the fact that you want Buck to lure a serial killer out that, so far, you haven't got a clue about.” Bobby argued. “Because you’re right. Buck isn’t a trained officer. That isn’t our job and you’re asking me to allow one of my men to intentionally put himself in harm’s way.”

“He’ll be wired,” Jameson attested, not doing as great of a job at hiding his impatience as Captain Maynard. “He’ll be in a place that is surrounded by cops. Hell, he’ll even have a cop sitting two feet away from him. Your guy will be in the safest place in the city!”

"Except for the serial killer," Bobby counter dryly. 

Chief Alonzo sighed but didn't dispute Bobby so he knew he had the chief's support regardless. Jameson scowled but said nothing as Captain Maynard held up her hand. 

He didn’t like this. He didn’t like this at all. Bobby shook his head and tried to get the images of the previous victims out of his mind but all that succeeded to do was replace them with terrible imagined images of Buck in their place.

No.

No. It went against every instinct that Bobby had to even consider their proposal.

But, Athena trusted Maynard and when she said that they wouldn’t have asked unless it was absolutely necessary, he believed her.

“I’ll talk it over with Buck,” Bobby finally said. “He should get to decide and if he says no then it’s a no.”

Jameson frowned but Captain Maynard nodded again.

“Understood.”

* * *

Buck 1.0 would’ve been having the time of his life. Buck 2.0? Not so much. The bar was more like a club without the dancing but the massive music was loud enough that Buck could feel the bass in the soles of his shoes. Shoes that were sticking to the floor with all kinds of things Buck didn’t even want to think about and wouldn’t have noticed in the haziness of an alcohol fueled night but he was technically on duty so he was stuck noticing it mostly sober. It would’ve looked out of place if he didn’t drink at all but that meant he was nursing his second beer of the night after several hours of waiting. 

He squirmed in his seat and tried to roll some of the tension out of his shoulders. The pants the LAPD had thrown him in were a size too tight that bordered on the side of painful and the shirt was shear enough that if someone spilled a drink on him there wouldn’t be a lot left to the imagination. The opposite of his usual attire after a shift.

When you run with adrenaline in your veins and an oxygen tank on your back into burning buildings for a living, sweat pants and a soft t-shirt were usually a great way to cope with the inevitable comedown. Buck always liked the texture of an old sweatshirt against his fingertips whenever he was tired and worn thin.

But these clothes? They felt like they dragged across his skin in all the wrong ways.

“Relax, Buckley,” Nolan said easily as he waved down the bartender for a refill. “You’re supposed to look like a snack. Not like a snack didn’t agree with you.”

Buck’s lips twitched upward and he rolled his head to rest on his shoulder with a lift of his brow. Nolan snorted and took his own beer before disappearing back into the crowd as if he’d never been there. But that was kind of the point. Nolan was another undercover officer and Buck’s immediate back up if anything happened.

The thought of anything happening made the nerves twist painfully in Buck’s stomach again and he allowed himself a long drag of his beer.

When Bobby and Chief Alonzo had called him in, he’d been tripping over himself with worry that stemmed from too much coffee and a lot of overthinking. The tension between the two when they’d filled Buck in on the LAPD’s request could’ve snapped in half. It still kind of threw him for a loop that the cops thought his birthmark of all things was going to be the thing that enticed this guy but it wasn’t like Buck could’ve refused. People were dying and if they thought Buck could help, who was he to say no?

 _“This is serious, Buck,”_ Bobby had said. _“People have been killed. You are under no obligation to help here. If you say no then I’ll tell them to back off.”_

Bobby had almost made it seem like he wanted Buck to say no but in the end all he had to do was sit at the bar and look pretty. It wasn’t exactly the hardest thing he’d ever done in his life.

“Buy a girl a drink?” A beautiful brunette slid next to him with an ease that came from the confidence of not caring about whether or not Buck accepted her invitation.

Buck made a show of dragging his gaze up and down in appraisal as he flagged down the bartender for her.

“I’m Evan,” he said in lieu of a greeting because he would rather keep his life as Buck separate from whatever his new role was.

“Addison,” she said with her own tip of her head.

Addison would’ve been Buck’s type--- Carla did call him out for being on a bit of brunette kick--- but there was something about the possibility of her being a crazy murderer that just seemed to kill the mood. So, Buck grinned through his flirting and successfully engaged with enough mingling that hopefully Jameson and his team could work on a profile before Addison broke away to go back to her friend. It didn’t take long before she was replaced by a David with cologne that smelled like oranges and big enough balls to slide his hand up Buck’s thigh. But David’s interest quickly shifted once he realized that Buck wasn’t planning on hooking up in the bathroom and he left without even a glance at Buck’s eye.

After a third encounter with a Nina from Rhode Island, who was already too drunk that Buck didn’t feel great about ordering her another drink, he was starting to really wonder if the LAPD had seriously over estimated his noticeability. His birthmark was never really something that he thought about to be honest. Sure, kids teased him when he was younger but he was also smaller than most of his classmates with a big head of curls and clothes that never seemed to fit so they never really lacked ammunition. He didn’t have a complex about his birthmark or anything and a large part of that probably had to do with Maddie.

Maddie… did not take the news well. Buck wasn’t sure if he was even allowed to tell his sister that he was going undercover but well… his big sister scared him more than all of the LAPD combined so he wasn’t _not_ going to tell her.

No one really seemed to take the news well and Buck wasn’t sure if he was touched or a little offended that they didn’t think he could manage to sit at a bar and flirt for a few hours. It wasn’t like he was actively solving crime or anything.

Buck snuck a glance over to his left and spied Nolan sipping his beer. Nolan had the gift of being something of an in between. He was a pretty good-looking dude but there wasn’t anything too spectacular to be considered memorable. He had a strong jaw that framed a wide face and a tall compacted body. His nose sloped down in between two proportional eyes to the rest of his head. Cute but unremarkable.

But he was nice. Way nicer than Detective Jameson who Buck was pretty sure already hated him on principle.

“So,” A voice with a husky purr said. “What’s the story behind the eye?”

Buck flipped the switch onto Buck 1.0 and swiveled in his seat to smile at a demur blonde who had a vodka cranberry in one hand and Buck’s full attention in the other.

* * *

Buck yawned as he slipped the key into his apartment. Jameson wouldn’t call it a night until Buck had exhausted almost every topic of discussion with Lizzie the blonde and left with her number scribbled on a napkin to hand off to the detective. He didn’t even make it back to his apartment until almost three. Bobby was going to be pissed when he found out. There’d been all kinds of back and forth bargaining between departments that had Buck’s head spinning and made him feel like the unwilling rope in a game of tug of war. But he didn’t have to be in till eleven so he had a few more hours to sleep at least.

He slipped off his shoes as he stepped through the door and heard the soft muted tones of the TV. Buck smiled.

“You didn’t have to wait up for me,” Buck said, padding through his apartment and over to his couch.

Eddie looked all kinds of soft around the edges in his sweats and old t-shirt that had Buck almost melting on the spot. Their relationship was still new in all the great ways that came with the honeymoon stage.

“Wanted to see how your first big stake out was.” Eddie smiled up at him.

Buck dropped on top of Eddie with a dramatic sigh so that their legs tangled and Buck’s arms could curl around Eddie’s waist. Then, because he could, Buck ducked down and kissed the exposed skin of Eddie’s hip. Eddie shivered beneath him so Buck did it again and again before he bullied his way under Eddie’s shirt. He kissed his way up Eddie’s chest, dipping his tongue to dart into the crevices of muscles and definition, and ignored the huffed protests about stretching the material from his boyfriend before he popped his head through the collar with a satisfied grin.

His boyfriend. He didn’t think he could ever get used to that.

Eddie rolled his eyes and wrapped his arms around Buck to pull him down against him.

“How was it?” Eddie asked, kissing Buck’s head and squeezing Buck a little closer to him.

Eddie hadn’t taken the news of Buck being loaned out to the LAPD like a piece of meat well either. In fact, Buck was pretty sure the fire house was going to have to spring for a new punching bag after the session Eddie had with it after the news broke to the team.

Buck shrugged and winced at the crack of a stitch popping somewhere on Eddie’s shirt but at that point he’d already committed. What was he supposed to do? He didn’t make the rules!

Eddie’s fingers trailed up his neck and flicked him in the ear before tangling in his hair. The pomade broke beneath Eddie’s determined ministrations and Buck was sure that his hair was falling into the disorganized chaos that were his curls but he didn’t care. It felt nice.

“Kind of weird,” Buck admitted. “I kind of felt like a live mannequin just sitting there.”

Eddie hummed, the sound a little dark like he didn’t like the idea of Buck feeling so inanimate, but he kept petting all the same.

“Any serial killers buy you a beer?”

Buck shook his head. “I don’t think so. I could tell.”

“How?”

Buck shrugged again. “I don’t know. You just… do? Everyone was nice.”

“You know Ted Bundy was nice too.” Eddie quipped.

Buck snorted and hid his face into the hollow of Eddie’s neck.

“Real nice, dude. Now I’m never getting to sleep.”

Eddie’s fingers curled around the hair at the nape of Buck’s neck and pulled so that he lifted Buck's face up. He stared down at Buck with an unreadable expression but his lips were so close that Buck was sure he was probably going a little cross-eyed staring at them.

“I might be able to help,” Eddie said huskily.

* * *

“That is not okay, Buck,” Maddie said. “I need you to understand how _not_ okay that is!”

Buck winced as he nodded. “I do understand.”

But Maddie could still see the faint tremble in his hands that’d been earth shattering when she’d opened her door to find Buck pale and uncertain.

Maddie forced herself to take a deep breath to cool some of the rigid tension that bled into her tone.

Buck was still flushed with shame and she had to remind herself that this wasn’t just a case of him being berated by a frustrated teacher. He wasn’t twelve anymore and calling her because he’d been too afraid to tell their parents he’d been caught talking again in class. Buck was a serious player in an even more serious police undercover operation and there was nothing she could do about it.

But that still didn’t make what happened earlier okay.

By the time Buck had been old enough to start exploring--- going to parties, kissing a girl for the first time, kissing a boy for the first time--- Maddie had already been engaged to Doug. In hindsight, she knew now that Doug hated Buck from the start but had been smart enough not to say as much out loud. Buck had only been six and easy to please when she’d first met Doug and she’d been smitten the moment he’d brought over a kid’s meal from McDonalds. Doug had put in the bare minimum when it came to accepting Buck which had been a step up from what her parents had done, so maybe Maddie had been easy to please then too.

But he hated how Maddie would get calls from Buck’s school to pick him up because he was sick or because their parents had forgotten again. At the time, she’d believed that he was a hundred percent on her side. It’d never bothered her before but Doug had pointed out to her that it should.

And he’d been right--- right for the wrong reasons—and soon that seed of resentment towards her parents blossomed in her chest.

 _“He needs to learn how to fight his own battles, Maddie,”_ Doug had said, sickeningly sweet and convincing enough for her to listen.

She stopped going to all of Buck’s games; had stopped answering all of his phone calls when she was doing something else; she thought she’d been reclaiming some of her own time.

In a way she had. But she also managed to cut herself off from Buck as well and it wasn’t something that she had really realized until one brutal conversation in Buck’s loft where he’d been the most honest she’d seen him in a long time.

She’d realized now the ground she still needed to cover to make up some of the hurt she caused even if Buck didn’t think it was necessary. Their trust was unwavering but it was still bruised nevertheless.

But Buck knew better than to accept a drink from a stranger at a bar that he didn’t see poured in front of him.

_Always use protection. Consent needs to go both ways. Never leave your drink alone. Never accept a drink you didn’t see poured in front of you. Never be afraid to say no._

_You are entitled to your own comfort and safety even if someone tries to pressure you into it._

Those had been things she’d repeated until she was blue in the face when Buck had been a teenager and she should’ve been proud that they seemed to stick even years later.

But she was too busy being furious that he’d been chewed up and spat out for taking control of his own safety as she replayed over what had happened--- the details Buck had told her at least--- in her head.

_“What the hell were you thinking?” Jameson hissed, his face turning a darkening purple._

_“I wasn’t about to accept a drink from somebody I don’t know!”_

_Jameson jabbed a finger in Buck’s face. “You don’t get to decide that!”_

_“Boss---” Nolan had tried but Jameson cut him off with a wave of his hand._

_“You don’t get to say no! You don’t think! You don’t decide what you want because you don’t feel like it! You sit there and you bat your blue eyes and you leave the police work to him. That’s his job. He watches and makes sure you don’t get killed or do some stupid shit like saying no to a possible suspect.”_

“I just…” Buck shoved the heel of his hand against his brow and rubbed what Maddie was sure was oncoming headache. “I just don’t understand how I screwed up.”

“You didn’t.” Maddie insisted.

“But what if---”

Maddie’s eyes zeroed in on the red, bruising skin above Buck’s elbow as the sleeve of his sweatshirt pooled.

“What is that?”

She pushed back the fabric up to his shoulder and cursed with recognition at the angry silhouette around Buck’s arm.

“Did someone grab you?”

Buck wincing again was her answer. 

* * *

It was on the sixth night that Buck met Casey Rochester.

He’d been staring into his warm beer a little too long and feeling the effects of his earlier shift at the station when the bartender placed an empty glass in front of him and poured two fingers of a top shelf Mezcal.

“I was going to ask if you wanted a drink but then I saw you staring at that sad beer twenty minutes later and figured I’d just jump to the next step.” A voice curled around the air with a familiar East coast accent.

Buck lifted the glass and quirked a brow as he turned to his new friend.

“Name’s Casey,” Casey said with a smirk that was just a touch too smug to be cute.

“Evan,” Buck said with a twitch of his lips.

He lifted his glass to clink against Casey’s and sipped at the smoky spicy liquor. The bartender had poured it in front of him so he wasn’t too worried about something being slipped in it. A tangy citrus flavor lapped at his tongue like a balm to the burn and he nodded in appreciation.

“Interesting choice.” Buck appraised.

Casey lifted a broad shoulder. “I find that whisky can sometimes send mixed signals. Tequila usually sends the wrong message and vodka isn’t for everyone.”

“And Mezcal?” Buck asked, taking another sip and feeling as the liquor sent plumes of heat in his chest.

Mezcal was usually a hit or miss kind of drink. Buck had served too many party girls and hard-headed dudes in South America too many shots of Mezcal and watched as they coughed their way through it. It was usually the smoky tang that came from the agave plant hearts during the production process that got people. The depths of the taste are what made it mix so well in otherwise too sweet cocktails. But Mezcal straight wasn’t meant to be shot. It was meant to be savored.

“Smoky drink for a smoking hot guy that I’d like to get to know,” Casey said without shame and Buck felt his face flush a little.

Buck caught Nolan moving out of the corner of his eye, checking to make sure Buck was still good, before he disappeared in the crowd.

Right. Buck was supposed to be fishing. He swirled his drink instead of sipping it again and quirked his head to the side so the light would catch his eyebrow. Casey’s gaze dashed up and locked in on the mark with a hungry narrowing of his caramel colored eyes.

It wasn’t like Casey was hard to look at. He was a few inches shorter than Buck but just as broad shouldered that funneled into a tapered waist. Thick auburn hair framed his face in a way that was edgy enough to be noticeable but not over worked to make him look like he was meant to be in a boyband.

“So,” Buck drawled. “What part of Massachusetts you from?”

Casey’s eyes widened comically before a grin curled on his face. “You from the East Coast?”

Buck shrugged. “Close enough. Pennsylvania.”

“New Bedford,” Casey said. “Impressive.”

“Well, I have been told I’m talented with tongues.”

If Eddie had been there, his boyfriend would’ve rolled his eyes so hard, he would’ve seen the back of his own skull. Casey chuckled into his drink as he took Buck in with a long drag of his eyes that lingered on his birthmark.

A confident hand reached up and Buck steeled himself not to pull back. His palm cupped Buck’s face with fingertips that scratched a little at the skin behind his ear. It was a familiar weight that felt all kinds of wrong but Buck had been warned that there’d be a real possibility that he’d be pawed at by strangers. The fact that Casey’s hands could have possibly killed not one but three people made the weight feel heavy and dangerous. All of Buck’s nerves were on fire against the touch and every warning bell in his mind was telling him to duck down and run but he put up with it.

Two very intense eyes zeroed in on his birthmark before a thumb flicked up across his eye and pressed against his brow. Casey’s thumb felt too hot on Buck’s skin. He hummed to himself, a smile pulling on his lips as he played out his thinking.

“Not a scratch. Not paint. You’re tense but not flinching so not a scar. Birthmark?”

Buck was actually a little surprised he got it in one go and it must have shown on his face because Casey’s smile only grew.

“Most people don’t guess that on their first try. Usually I get eye herpes.”

Buck winced because bringing up herpes was not a way to entice someone into sticking around to flirt. He let out an awkward laugh that stuck in all the wrong places in his chest.

“I… uh… It’s…”

“Well, most people are dicks so,” Casey said with a shrug.

“And you’re not?” Buck asked with a playful tilt of his head that pressed against Casey’s palm.

Casey rubbed his birthmark again and flicked a finger up to brush away an errant curl.

“I try not to be. Not,” Casey clucked his tongue. “Not until it counts at least.”

And then Casey’s hand was gone and Buck was left spinning in his seat. From the smirk on Casey’s face, he knew exactly what he did, and Buck would’ve dragged him away right then and there to make out in the men’s room had everything been four years earlier. But now, Buck couldn’t help but feel the simmering shame of guilt bubbling in his stomach. 

“So, what do you do, Evan?” Casey asked when Buck didn’t make a move and Casey seemed to take it all in stride.

“I’m a firefighter.” Jameson had said that they wanted to keep Buck’s story as close to the truth as possible. It gave him less chance of being caught in a lie and provided enough context to keep up where the conversation may go.

Plus, it never failed to spark up interest.

Casey’s eyebrows shot up to his hairline and he whistled through his teeth before he took a hefty sip of his drink.

“Well,” Casey said. “That’s a lot more exciting than tax lawyer or accounting.”

Buck shrugged and feigned humility. “I guess so. What do you do?”

“Accounting,” Casey said with a straight face.

A laugh shot out of Buck’s mouth before he could stop it and just like that the heavy tension that hung over them shattered into something easier. Easier led them into talks about baseball and jokes about their jobs and another round of beer on Buck --- on the department but Casey didn’t need to know that--- and anything that they could think of that Buck kept remembering every few minutes was being used to build a profile for the cops to investigate. Buck almost felt bad for leading Casey on. Almost being a big stretch because again, there was maybe a chance that he was a serial killer and the voice that kept reminding him in his head sounded a lot like Hen.

“So,” Casey said, a little loose and less performative. “What made you come all the way out here?”

“What do you mean?” Buck asked.

“Well,” Casey drew the word out like he was testing to see if it floated in the air. “Most people don’t move across the entire country unless they’ve got a job or they were running from something. You didn’t have to be in LA to be a firefighter so…”

Casey trailed off like he was lost in thought for a moment. He circled the lip of his beer bottle with his finger tip and squirmed in his seat like he realized he’d shifted the balance they’d been maintaining.

“You another runner?” Casey asked, flicking his gaze back up to Buck’s.

Buck rubbed his hands against the top of his thighs. What was he supposed to say? The detectives had told him to keep close to the truth but they couldn’t have possibly meant something like this. Something so personal. If Buck felt like a piece of meat before, this was making him feel like he’d been butterflied open.

He didn’t talk about stuff like that. Well… he did with Maddie and Eddie a little but not a lot. A runner. He never really thought about it that way but now that it’d been planted in his head, it made sense. Buck had packed a duffle bag and looked back only once when he’d driven by Maddie’s house in a silent goodbye before he was on the first plane out of there.

It was painfully obvious that Buck had been quiet too long because Nolan appeared at the other end of the bar in his eyeline like he was ready to intervene if Buck signaled but Buck shook his head and pressed a knuckle to his eyebrow.

“Uh,” he said, lifting his beer to his lips. “Y-yeah. Yeah, I guess so.”

Casey nodded. “I get that.”

Something in the way he said it made Buck believe him. There was distinct bitter taste that everyone who had found out that a parent’s love could be conditional knew and Casey seemed all too familiar with it.

Buck had the sneaking suspicion that he’d just passed a test of some kind because the cockiness was starting to ooze away from Casey’s shoulders into something more down to earth as they talked about less emotional demanding topics and Buck spent an absurd amount of time talking about Chimney of all people because he was still feeling a little nervous. But as Casey told Buck a story about how his brother-in-law had stranded Casey and the rest of the groomsmen on a boat out by Martha’s Vineyard fourteen hours before his sister’s weeding, Buck started to release some of the unsettledness that had coiled in his stomach. Casey was intense, Buck had realized, but not so unnerving when Buck wasn’t so on edge.

But then again, like Eddie said, Ted Bundy had been nice too.

Later, when Buck handed Nolan Casey’s number, he couldn’t help but feel a little gross afterwards.

* * *

“I just… I don’t know. I feel bad,” Buck said, toying with his dinner instead of actually eating it.

It sucked not being able to eat with the team for family dinner but by the time Bobby would have put something together and everyone’s chores were done, Buck would be walking into the bar with a wire taped to his chest and his ears ringing from Jameson getting pissed at him again.

Bobby still insisted on putting something together for Buck before an officer picked him up from the station but it wasn’t the same.

“Stop playing with your food and eat before I tell Bobby,” Hen said with a snap of her fingers at his wandering fork. “And that’s good. You should feel bad. If you weren’t, I’d be more worried about this whole mess the LAPD has you mixed up in.”

“Good?” Buck asked.

Hen fashioned Buck with a pointed stare and tilted her head. “Yes, Buck. Good. If you didn’t feel bad… If you were having a good time stringing these people along then you wouldn’t care. You feel bad because you do. Because you’re a kind, caring---”

Buck grinned as he shoveled some pasta into his mouth and Hen glared at him.

“Pin-headed,” she added without missing a beat. “Dalmatian pretending to be a K-9 dog.”

Buck frowned at her meaning but shoved a piece of fruit in his mouth when she pointed down at his plate again.

Hen sighed. “What we do and what they do are two very different things. Sure, we’re first responders and we’re on the same team but we also have very different job descriptions. It’s totally understandable that this goes against your nature.”

Buck nodded even though he still felt terrible. Rationally, he knew that he shouldn’t. He was trying to help the cops catch a murderer. But what did that make Casey or Addison or anyone else who was interested in Buck? Collateral damage? Buck knew what it was like to be someone else's collateral damage. He didn’t like feeling like he was a part of something that was pushing through people like they were old DVDs in a three dollar bin.

“You remember what you told Bobby about how the SEALs wanted you to turn off your emotions?” Hen asked, stealing a piece of broccoli because he wasn’t fast enough.

Buck made a point of spearing another piece with his fork and shoving it into his mouth.

“That’s what they have to do sometimes. To get by. We all see terrible things in this job but we get to run in and run out before we can even really process anything. But Athena and Detective Jameson and your friend, Nolan… They have to stay around and deal with it. The point is, that you are not like that and that’s okay.”

Buck nodded even though the comparison made his stomach turn a little. He wasn’t doing any of the hard stuff though. So, why should he be complaining?

The thing was… it’d been pretty easy to compartmentalize what he was doing when the interactions with people were a couple of minutes of meaningless flirting. But something about his time with Casey left him feeling like such a jerk. Sure, Casey had flirted and had been a little forward--- which had not been a fun conversation to have with Eddie when he’d explained his night over the phone--- but he’d also been open in a way that Buck could only ever dream of being with a stranger. Even with Eddie, he wasn’t as open as Casey had been with him. Casey had put a nugget of trust in Buck’s hands when he gave Buck his number and Buck had passed the number off to a complete stranger to have searched and flagged.

He felt… used and dirty in a way that he couldn’t shower off.

 _“You’re not a piece of meat, Buck,”_ Eddie had said over the phone when Buck had stumbled his way through his tangled feelings. _“They can’t expect you not to feel some compassion for these people.”_

There was also Eddie. It wasn’t easy on him either knowing that Buck was sitting in some dark bar being touched by people he didn’t know. There’d been something close to jealousy that had darken Eddie’s mood over the last couple of days but whenever Buck would make a point to remind him that Eddie had all of him no matter who the police had him flirt with, Eddie would kiss him sweetly and reassure him that he wasn't worried. He knew Eddie trusted him but that still didn’t make it easier. He hated how it made Eddie feel.

He just wished everything would go back to normal soon. He missed his team. He missed having dinner with them. He missed staying in the station for twenty-four hour shifts and teasing Chim in the morning because of his whistle snores. He missed getting to spend time curled up with Eddie. He hadn’t talked to Maddie in days because their shifts were always overlapping or Buck was getting pushed into a bar to sit around and wait for people to come talk to him. His life had become consumed with everyone wanting something from him.

Hen braced her forearms against the countertop and leaned down until she could catch his eye.

“Buck, you know you don’t have to keep doing this. One word to Bobby and he’d pull you out.”

Buck nodded because he did know. Bobby had told him so multiple times. He tried not to be a little offend how many times Bobby had told him because he knew it came from a place of worry and had nothing to do with thinking Buck was going to screw up. But… people thought Buck could help. People were being murdered and they thought Buck could help drag this asshole out.

He could suck it up.

“I know,” Buck said. “It’s just… It’s not like I’m doing anything hard. I’m sitting at a bar, having a beer, and flirting with people I have no interest in.”

Hen didn’t look impressed though. “That’s still a lot of emotional lifting, Buckaroo.”

And wasn’t that the truth. But Buck could do it. He could.

“I’m fine.”

* * *

The thing was, Buck wasn’t fine. He was steadily reaching towards the ceiling of his tolerance and even he couldn’t fight through exhaustion and frustration on stubbornness and coffee alone.

Bobby had sent him to the bunk room to take a nap with a worried frown. Chim and Hen were constantly asking him if he was okay. Jameson had ripped Buck to shreds after he couldn’t shake a very drunk girl’s attention off him which forced Nolan to intervene when her very sober boyfriend came storming over to Buck when she’d started crying.

And Eddie… Eddie was getting more and more irritated by how late the investigation was keeping Buck out. He didn’t get home until four in the morning the night before and the longer Buck was out, the more worried he would get. But that’s because Eddie had a better understanding out of everyone else what could possibly go wrong and while Buck could appreciate that, he was too tired to argue with him.

Buck was exhausted and on edge and feeling incredibly useless. 

It’d been a couple of days since Casey approached Buck and the line of people interested in Buck had started to run a little dry. Buck was pretty sure it had something to do with the fact that he ended up sitting in the same spot at the bar with his back turned to everyone else but when he suggested possibly getting up and going to mingle, Jameson had in no uncertain terms told him to shut up and look pretty.

 _“It’s for your safety,”_ Nolan had told him when they were alone with an apologetic shrug. “ _We can’t risk losing sight of you especially since you’re a civilian. Keeping you in one place is the safest option._ ”

Nolan was probably the only reason Buck was still even putting up with Jameson’s crap. He got it. Really, he did. Another body had been found and everything was riding on Jameson finding _something_ to go off of before the FBI swooped in. But did he have to be such an asshole?

“ _He cares._ ” That’s what Nolan had said.

That Buck could understand. He cared too but undercover… spying… whatever, really wasn’t Buck’s forte and he was getting tired of having to give up his life to be yelled at. Jameson didn’t have to take it out on Buck who was just trying to help.

But the worst part? Buck was starting to feel self-conscious. How had he messed up sitting at a bar and looking good?

The thing is… when Buck gets to a certain level of tired, he can get a little weepy. He had trouble swallowing his emotions on a good day but add in a lack of sleep and a creeping feeling up his spine that’d lingered for a couple days now in a paranoid induced edginess and it was a miracle that he made it to the locker room before he had a major breakdown.

It’d been a frustrating call. A kid had been hit by a car while riding his bike and though, the worst he’d suffered was a concussion and a broken clavicle, the whole thing could’ve been prevented if the jerk who hit him hadn’t been on his phone. The driver had gone so far as to demand that the kid’s parents pay for the damage and Buck had to separate the driver and Hen when she’d turned around and gave him a piece of her mind. It’d really been a sight to see but nevertheless the powerlessness Buck felt during the whole situation was enough to send him over the edge. 

“Come on,” Eddie said when he found Buck with his head in hands and hiding behind a wall of lockers.

Eddie bullied Buck through the station to the side bay doors where they parked the chief’s sedan and where they would find a moment of privacy for themselves. Buck was pretty sure the team already knew they were dating but for once they were letting Eddie and Buck keep it to themselves a little longer. They were still mapping out what an ‘us’ meant between the two of them. Eddie pulled Buck to the back corner and wrapped Buck in a much needed hug that managed to make him feel small in the best way possible. He bunched up the fabric of Eddie’s shirt in his fists and ducked his head to hide into hollow of his neck. Eddie smelled like pine and cloves and soap that managed to cover most of the musky after tastes of sweat.

The tension that had taken residence in Buck’s shoulders oozed out at his feet and knocked him out at his knees but Eddie was more than capable at keeping him steady. Eddie nuzzled the side of his head and pressed a kiss to his temple before he spoke.

“You don’t have to keep doing this, Buck,” he said.

Because Eddie knew, even if Buck didn’t say it, that he was feeling hollowed out and thin and all he wanted to do was go back to his apartment and hide from the world so that everyone would _stop looking at him_ for a minute. If it wasn’t Jameson and Nolan and the rest of the people in the bar then it was his team with barely concealed worry or random strangers on the street. This whole experience had turned Buck into some hyper vigilant, jumpy version of himself and he was so tired.

“I know,” Buck mumbled and pressed closer to Eddie when the exhaustion started to make his eyes water. “But I want to help.”

* * *

Buck didn’t really understand the aesthetic of the bar. It looked like it’d once been a pirate theme with netting draped in corners and tangled with cobwebs while---he hoped--- fake star fish occasionally graced a wall. But the roof was vaulted with rustic rafters wrapped in Christmas lights and had a second-floor balcony that had stripper poles wrapped in velvet.

It was funny how he’d been frequenting the bar for almost two weeks now and he was only just noticing the weird mix matched embellishments.

The crowd didn’t seem to mind. The drinks were good and the music was loud so it was always packed and if it weren’t a murderer’s fishing pond, Buck would’ve even considered bringing the team with him for a round after a hard shift.

Except, Buck was pretty sure he never wanted to see these walls ever again once Jameson’s case was closed.

He hated how useless he felt. Buck was used to being one of the professional; being part of a team who knew what they were doing and how they were going to do it. But Buck felt like an outsider all over again.

He also hated how everything about his role on the case was stirring up old shit he’d buried a long time ago. Things like the cagey anxiety he would get whenever Jameson so much as looked at him. It reminded him too much of harsh sighs and even harsher words that left Buck believing he couldn’t do anything right.

Flirting was something Buck excelled at. He knew how to read people and what they wanted. He knew how to adapt depending on the inflection on certain words that were thrown at him. He knew how to be charming and arrogant with his tongue doing tricks. He knew how to be shy and bashful with his blue eyes looking through long blond lashes. He knew how to be cool with a smirk that wasn’t too mean and had the understanding of being a friend. He knew how to be sweet and caring with a gentle prodding of his words when insecurity clouded someone.

He could do all those things. He was good at it. On paper, he was perfect for the job. In practice, he excelled.

But he was so exhausted. It was like wearing a shoe that was a pinch too small all day long. He felt blistered and raw with each person he had to pass time with until he had to shut it off for work even though he still felt exposed afterwards. It didn’t fit. The undercover assignment… the flying solo as he swam through a crowd of potential suspects… It didn’t fit. It didn’t fit Buck. He missed his team. He missed not having to be suspicious of everyone. He was so tired of everyone staring at him all the time. It was like he was being examined constantly. Jameson watching his every move; Nolan keeping an eye on him to make sure he was safe; Eddie subtly checking for any markings every time he saw Buck after a night apart; Bobby ready to jump in the first moment Buck wavered. It was constant and uncomfortable and he wanted to hide from everyone.

“Oh my God!”

Buck snapped his head around at the cry. A girl with panic stealing the color from her face was staring down at her friend as she coughed… coughed… sputtered… and then choked.

“Bets? Oh my God! Bets! Are you choking?”

Buck was on his feet before he could even think.

“LAFD, make room!” He called as he barreled across the open floor.

The girl’s friend looked up at him with wide eyes and a shaking hand that was pointed to a plate of abandoned nachos.

“She… She was fine and then she---”

Her friend, Bets, retched a horrible sound as she grabbed at her neck and Buck moved on instinct as her knees buckled a little.

“Just relax,” Buck said as he felt Bets tense in his arms. “I’m here to help, okay? I’m a LA firefighter. Just relax.”

He curled his hand over his fist above her navel and let muscle memory take over as he thrusted inward and upward. On the third thrust, Bets spat out a wad of what looked like it’d been a chip and guacamole and gasped her first sharp inhalation of air.

“Holy shit!”

Someone whistled and then suddenly people started to clap and Buck quickly realized that he had every eye in the room trained on him. He was used to people being a little awestruck whenever the team performed a rescue with an audience but this had been the exact opposite of what he’d been wanting to do. He spotted Nolan grinning in the crowd and instead of helping him, the asshole disappeared again with a roll of his eyes. 

Well… Buck guessed he wasn’t going to get to hide. It took less than forty seconds before someone was offering to buy him a drink.

* * *

In a warped sense of reality, car crashes are a regular occurrence for the 118. Buck kind of felt bad that he was taking some solace from the normality that blanketed over them as the truck pulled up on the scene of a twelve car pile-up that’d blocked an entrance ramp to the freeway and traffic over two miles back.

“Hen! Chim! Start triage.” Bobby called out as they hit the ground running. “Buck and Eddie, see who can get out on their own. Call out if we need some more heavy lifting.”

In terms of car wrecks, it wasn’t the worst they’d seen. The damage was mostly done to the cars and not the drivers with a few bumps and bruises but nothing was on fire and no one seemed to be at risk of bleeding out.

“That’s it,” Buck said as he helped ease a shaking woman out through her backseat because her driver side door had been smashed in. “You’re okay. Just nice and easy.”

Her trembling hand grabbed onto his and he squeezed her smaller hand with his own. It wasn’t much but he learned early on that a strong hand could be enough to keep some people from the brink of hysteria. Being rear ended was already pretty upsetting. Being rear ended and then side swiped so you were trapped in your car until help arrived? Anyone would be justified in panicking a little. Thankfully, other than a few cuts from the glass and the shock of it all, she was fine and able to walk out on her own.

“Thank you,” the woman said with a sigh of relief once she was free.

Jensen came and took over for Buck to escort her to Hen and Chim.

“I’m going to need the jaws and a c-collar over here.” Eddie called into the radio.

Buck hurried to the truck and grabbed the jaws of life with a practiced swing of his arm as he turned on his heel and hurried over to his partner. Chim was running over with his med bag and the cervical collar in hand.

Buck couldn’t help but wince as he came up on what used to be a new silver Audi A3. The front end was a gnarly mix of twisted metal and broken parts of the engine. The front window shield was splintered into a spider web of irreparable shards and the top of the driver’s side was bent in. A truck looked like it’d been jack knifed into the driver side and shoved the car into the median. It was a total loss. He ducked down and checked that the fluid leakage wasn’t at risk of sparking any time soon as he came up with the jaws.

Chim was already talking to the driver and slipping the c-collar on with practiced ease.

“All right, try not to move. These guys are going to get you out of here and then you get to jump the line to the hospital, my friend,” Chim said as he stepped back for Buck to work.

Except when Buck saw the driver he almost tripped over his own two feet.

“Oh, you've got to be kidding me,” Casey said with a groan when he caught sight of Buck.

Casey was unmistakable even with the blood on his face and his head kept immobile by the c-collar.

“Casey?”

Casey groaned again as if he’d been hoping Buck wasn’t real.

“You know this guy?” Eddie asked.

Buck could only nod, his mouth suddenly dry and the ground beneath him swaying a little at the sudden intrusion of his two worlds colliding.

“Nothing worse than getting in a car accident only to be rescued by the guy you flirted with in the bar for three hours before you gave him your number only for him _not_ to call you,” Casey quipped from inside.

Chim’s eyebrows lifted and Buck watched as his gum fell from the roof of his mouth to tongue. Eddie’s face flattened into something unreadable and Buck grimaced.

“I…” Buck started and then stopped when Eddie cleared his throat.

Right. Not the time.

“Hold on, Casey,” Buck said as he moved the jaws into place. “I’m going to get you out of here. Let us know if anything hurts.”

“My pride hurts but other than that I’m fine,” Casey said with a teasing tilt of his lips and Buck swallowed down the simmer guilt that had been consuming him for days.

It took no time at all to free Casey from his car and Buck tried to disappear as soon as Casey was on the backboard and headed to the hospital.

Bobby was understandably concerned when he found out but other than telling Buck to keep his head down there wasn’t much more they could do. That’s because it wasn’t their jobs and until recently it hadn’t been Buck’s either.

What was he supposed to do? Should he call Jameson? They’d told Buck to say he was a firefighter. They’d told him to stick as close to the truth without giving personal details. It was all one big freaky coincidence that they responded to a scene where a suspect of a murder investigation happened to be at. But Buck had been so careful. His team, work, Eddie. They were all his normalcy and the world where Buck flirted with people like Casey in dive bars and surrounded by cops was supposed to be in another galaxy far from Buck’s world. But now? Now Casey knew their names and his station. It was all too close and too personal and Buck didn’t know what he was supposed to do!

He had talked to Eddie! Casey has talked to Eddie.

“Buck,” Bobby said when Buck ducked behind the truck to freak out where the others wouldn’t see.

A possible murderer had talked to Eddie!

“Buck.” Bobby repeated and slipped his hand to the back of Buck’s neck with a grounding squeeze.

A breath Buck didn’t realize had been trapped in his chest rushed past his lips and he dropped at his waist to brace his hands against his knees.

“It’s going to be okay,” Bobby said. “Okay?

Bobby let Buck freak out a little longer until the panic could recede into a fresh breath of clarity.

It was okay. He was okay. It didn’t mean anything. It was a freaky set of circumstances in a city of almost four million people.

“You good?” Bobby asked when Buck could finally breathe again and Buck nodded.

“I’m good.”

* * *

Twenty-four hour shifts were always tough when the beginning of the shift started out heavy. Shortly after the pile up, they’d been called to an apartment fire that they had to battle for three hours before they were able to contain the fires. His team were boned tired and covered in soot. Then they’d been called to a skateboarder who had somehow gotten himself trapped half way through the grating of a sewer drain because his phone had slipped from his pocket during a trick.

Bobby had barely been able to get some food in his team for a late lunch before they were called to another fire on the edge of the city that had been caused by a gas main break which meant they had to evacuate the entire block. 

By the time they were finished, the sun had started to set and his team were running on fumes. Well, everyone except Buck. Buck, who’d been essentially pulling close to twenty-four hour shifts all week if you included his nights on loan to the LAPD--- which Bobby did---, was passed out cold on Chim’s shoulder. Whether it was from his own tiredness or the fact that he could tell Buck needed it, Chim kept the jokes to himself as he held his arm still whenever the truck took a pothole. Bobby caught Chim’s gaze before he turned back into his seat with a grim conclusion settling for him.

It was time Buck came home. Running into a victim on a scene who was also a murder suspect was not acceptable and Bobby was done. He knew Buck wanted to help and that was one of the kid’s best qualities but he was running himself ragged trying to keep everyone happy in a game of tug of war he had no business being in the middle.

They pulled into the station with the same tired quietness that had blanketed them on the way back to the house and Bobby let his mind drift off to what he could quickly make for dinner before he had his team call it an early night.

“Buck,” Hen murmured as she leaned forward to shake Buck awake.

Buck hummed and rolled off of Chim’s shoulder with a frown that made Chimney give a soft chuckle before they heard the shouted,

“Buckley!”

Buck jerked awake at his name and almost slid down the bench in surprise.

Bobby startled at the bark of his firefighter’s name and tried not to scowl when he saw Detective Jameson’s impatient face. Buck hurried out of the fire truck and glanced at his watch with a curse.

“You’re late!” Detective Jameson snapped.

“Sorry! Let me just---” Buck stumbled to the locker rooms to change without a glance.

“He’s supposed to be mine at six o’clock. I have to brief him and get him wired so he can be in place by eight!”

“Well,” Bobby said, not raising to the bait of being talked down to about his own guy. “We had a call that ran over and his duties to this department are a priority over yours. He hasn’t even had dinner yet.”

“I haven’t had dinner in three months which is how long I’ve been working on this case. Do I need to remind you, Captain Nash, that people are dying? Every minute counts and---”

“And that doesn’t mean you get to run Buck into the ground to solve it.” Bobby cut him off. “Look, I know you’ve got people breathing down your neck and you have the feds circling your case but, Buck is my responsibility and you don’t get to drag him out of here at a moment’s notice.”

Bobby didn’t have to look to know that Eddie, Hen, and Chim were standing behind him and ready to intervene but this was just as much of a show for them as it was for Buck. Bobby was their captain. His team needed to know that he would go to bat for them _always_.

He hated that he had even agreed to send Buck out to be dangled like a carrot for some dangerous killer because the police department had been desperate. It wasn’t where Buck belonged. He belonged with them and Buck had literally gone to hell and back to prove it. He didn’t owe Jameson anything and the detective needed to remember that.

“The faster your boy helps me catch this son of a bitch,” Jameson seethed. “The faster you can have him back. But until that time comes, he is mine.”

“I’m ready,” Buck said, swinging his bag over his shoulder and running past them.

“Buck!” Eddie called with a pointed glare at Jameson.

Buck skidded to a stop and turned on his heel. “Yeah?”

Eddie’s fist curled into the fabric of Buck’s collar and pulled him into a searing kiss that was maybe a little too inappropriate for being on the clock but was effective in giving Buck a minute before he rushed away. Jameson threw his hands in the air with a roll of his eyes before he stormed back to his car. The kiss was over as quickly as it came and Buck’s face turned bright red as he eyed Bobby and then Chim and Hen watching them.

“Uh,” Buck said with a nervous smile.

“Be careful,” Eddie said gruffly. “And don’t be an idiot.”

He pulled Buck in for another kiss, a quick peck of the lips that was so intimately simple it couldn’t have been their first one and Bobby sighed as he thought of the paperwork, before Eddie was pushing Buck away with a nudge of his knuckles against his sternum. 

Buck ducked his head with a mumbled goodbye and hurried after Jameson who had already started his car. They watched Buck leave without any more fanfare before pining Eddie with a pointed stare.

“What?” Eddie asked with a shrug. “Cap, told that douchebag he could wait.”

“Uh huh.” Hen snorted.

“Despite every fiber of my being demanding more details,” Chim said with a smirk. “We have a more pressing matter. How are we going to get Buckaroo away from Asshole Columbo?”

“Leave that to me,” Bobby said as he pulled out his cell.

* * *

It was taking all of Buck’s energy not to lay his head down on the bar and leave it there for the rest of the night. Jameson had been oddly pleased when Buck told him about Casey being in the pile up that morning and had forgone lecturing Buck about the importance of his role to turn around to another officer and talk about warrants for DNA.

His nap in the truck had done wonders for Buck for the duration of his briefing but now that he was inside the dark bar and swallowed by the thunder base of the music, he was starting to fade fast. He’d been staring at the same shiplapped wall draped with tacky netting for at least thirty minutes and put every ounce of his energy into keeping his eyes open. He didn’t even want to imagine the yelling that would occur if he fell asleep.

But he must not have done a good job convincing anyone because Nolan sidled up beside him and ran a hand up Buck’s side.

“Come on,” Nolan said under his breath so only Buck could hear while he played his part of trying to convince Buck of his enticement. “Let’s go make out by the lemon tree.”

Buck stiffened. Lemon tree had been his go word, the only life line that the LAPD had given him to use if he needed out or something was wrong. Buck nodded blearily and let Nolan take his hand. To anyone who was watching, it looked like Buck and Nolan had agreed to head home for the night but to Buck, Nolan’s hand was the only anchor he had to keep himself upright until they could get outside. The fresh night air was turning a little chilly now that the drought season had ended and Buck couldn’t hide his shivers as the cold settled against his exposed skin. They wandered around the corner playing their part in case they were followed before Nolan was pushing him into the alley where the van was parked.

Athena in plain clothes was leaning against the doors with her arms crossed and her expression set.

“Here you go, Sergeant. Have a good night, Buck.” Nolan clapped Buck on the shoulder and moved around Athena before disappearing into the back of the van without another word.

“What?” Buck asked because it wasn’t even midnight but Athena was guiding him to her car with a practiced hand.

“Your night’s done, Buck. It’s time for you to get to bed.”

“But---” Buck started and glanced over his shoulder as if Jameson would appear out of thin air but Athena waved him off.

“I took care of Jameson,” Athena said as she all but bullied Buck into the passenger side.

The smell of Bobby’s barbacoa burritos filled the car and Buck’s mouth instantly watered. There sitting in the seat wrapped in foil were two burritos filled with cheese and rice and pico de gallo and _sour cream_ and Buck was in absolute heaven as he snatched one into his hands before Athena could even close the door.

God, they were still warm!

“You better eat both of those by the time we get back to your apartment because as soon as you get home you’re getting a shower and going to bed.”

Buck didn’t need to be told twice as he fumbled around to put his seat belt on while also shredding the foil that was trapping his burrito. His first burrito was gone in a matter of minutes and Athena clucked her tongue at the top of her mouth in exasperation.

“I would ask if Jameson even feeds you but Bobby already answered that question for me,” Athena said as she navigated the streets of LA.

It was only Wednesday night but the city was still shining like a diamond in a smog filled sky as the city lights glistened in the skyline.

“We were on a call that ran late,” Buck said, peeling the foil away on his second burrito and taking care to savor that one. “Didn’t get a chance to eat anything before. Wasn’t a big deal but you know. Things got heated.”

“It is a big deal, Buck,” Athena said. “Police work can be long and tough but we still need to eat and Jameson should’ve known better. Sending you into a bar to drink on an empty stomach.”

Buck went quiet then and compressed the bends and creases of foil in his fingers. Buck usually hated silence even though a good portion of his life was made up of nothing but silence. But there was something about the comfortable silence that Athena seemed to master no matter how tense or agitated Buck or the team would get. Athena, who was filled with hot warrior ferocity and could get louder than you could in a second without a stutter, was also the person who could just be there for you when you needed a minute to breathe. Be there for when it still felt like the job was sitting on your shoulders even after you took your uniform off. Athena, who Buck knew, wouldn’t dig too deep whenever he asked something seemingly innocuous.

“Could I ask you something?” He asked when the foil started to shred with his fidgeting.

“Sure, Buckaroo.”

“Like… I know I’m helping you guys out… and I’m on loan but… do you think there’s a way Bobby could be there too… Like in the van or something?” Buck grimaced because that didn’t sound right and he didn’t want Athena to think he didn’t trust the cops. “I mean, Detective Jameson’s team is great it’s just… not…”

“It’s not your team.” Athena finished for him.

“Yeah.” Buck nodded and hated how he was still feeling a little choked up at the admission.

He missed them. He missed feeling like no matter what, one of his team would have his back. He felt exposed with an LAPD target spray painted right between his shoulder blades and Nolan had done a great job of jumping in whenever Buck needed it but what about the other times? What about when he was too jumpy after hours of sitting and flirting with potential suspects? No one had been there when he’d stumbled up on Casey trapped in his car and hurt and calling Buck out on him ghosting him.

His team had been there though. They covered for him. But now, it felt like he’d painted a target on their backs too.

His missed his team.

“You don’t have to worry about it. Not anymore.” Athena poked at his burrito and waited until he took another bite before she continued. “Bobby’s terminating the agreement with lending you out for Jameson’s case. You get tonight and tomorrow off and they might ask you to come in to tie up any loose ends for the weekend crowd but then starting Monday you’ll officially be back at the 118 full time.”

It was like a bunch of weights lifted off of Buck’s chest all at once and he relaxed back into his seat.

He could go home. _Finally._

But what about all the people counting on him?

“Is it bad that I’m relieved?”

“Not at all, Buck,” Athena said firmly. “You did more than enough. If Jameson still hasn’t gotten any leads it’s not because of you.”

Buck nodded because Athena was a lot of things but she was never a liar and Buck knew from personal experience that she would be honest to your face even if you didn’t want to hear it.

“Did I ever tell you about my time undercover?” Athena asked and pointed at his forgotten burrito. “Eat!”

Buck took another bite that was all rice and sour cream but tasted like heaven all the same.

“No!”

* * *

Buck laughed into his pillow as he struggled to catch his breath, a little delirious and thoroughly pleased at the sound Eddie made as he rolled off Buck.

He’d spent a majority of the day passed out in his bed with only a few moments of clarity when one of the team would text during the rest of their twenty-four hour shift to make sure he was alive and in Bobby’s case, had something to eat at least once, before he’d been left blissfully alone.

He’d been expecting Eddie to text or maybe even call before collapsing in his own bed but Buck had been pleasantly surprised when he stirred from his… third?... nap to find a zombie Eddie Diaz crawling under the covers beside him and pulling him close.

Naps were great but naps with Eddie pressed against him were the best.

Especially when Buck woke up to Eddie’s tongue inside of him.

By the time they were finished, they were both sweaty and sore in all the best ways possible. Night had blanketed the sky outside and a quick glance at his clock said a little after seven so Buck was pretty sure his sleep schedule was beyond screwed but he didn’t care. He rolled over so he could watch as Eddie racked his fingers through his hair and fell back down to planet Earth with Buck.

Not for the first time, Buck was struck with the disbelief that he got to have Eddie like this all to himself. They both agreed that it was important that they worked on what exactly their relationship was going to be before introducing Chris into the equation. It’d actually been Carla--- after she caught them making out like teenagers with Buck on Eddie’s washing machine--- who had reminded them that they needed to be a duo just as much as they were already trio and if Buck didn’t already love her enough then he certainly did for giving him this: Eddie, sweaty and sated, in his bed with that fuzzy haze over his eyes and ever present with him. No school to run to. No shifts. Nothing. Just the two of them present in the moment.

It was everything.

“So,” Buck said when Eddie curled an arm around Buck and pulled him close to his chest. “How’d the team take it when you decided to lay one on me yesterday?”

Eddie groaned. “Yeah, Cap’s definitely going to be calling us into his office for some _paperwork._ ”

Buck shuddered at the word. That’d been one saving grace in all of his weird undercover business. Buck had been exempt from paperwork. There simply hadn’t been the time between calls and trying to eat something before running off with police escort.

Eddie pushed a hand through Buck’s hair and latched onto his ear with a playful tug.

“Sorry about that,” Eddie murmured. “We should’ve talked---”

“No,” Buck cut in with a shrug. “It was … good.”

It was beyond good. It’d been great. It’d been one of those kisses that electrified every nerve in Buck’s body all the way down to his toes.

But Buck kept that to himself. He didn’t need to seem desperate even though, when it came to Eddie, he kind of was.

* * *

Buck rolled out of bed to go get cleaned off when he couldn’t stand the mess anymore and Eddie was left with a hole in his chest that was quickly filling with dread. He’d crawled into Buck’s bed after his shift with the bone deep exhaustion that only came from hard work and worrying. Worrying that was only helped when Athena confirmed with Bobby that she’d successfully delivered Buck to his apartment. It wasn’t much but it was enough for Eddie to get his head on straight to finish his shift. Still, he’d been restless all day ever since Buck had been dragged off to be paraded around like the bait that he was. The stress had worn him down on top of the grueling hours where they’d been a man down and called out every hour or so.

But at that point, he’d been too tired to really think about anything but soaking up Buck’s body heat and sleeping for at least four hours. Then afterwards, they’d both been too busy to really pay attention to anything but each other. Now, though, as he watched Buck limp to the bathroom, he was struck with a little more clarity and left to worry again as he listened to the sounds of Buck’s shower.

Normally, he’d join Buck and allow himself to get lost in the press of Buck’s body and the moist heat of the --- sometimes too hot--- shower water Buck always insisted on using. But he couldn’t. He was paralyzed with trepidation that threatened to swallow him whole and forced the words back down his throat.

Yesterday had been brutal. Buck had been beyond exhausted and too emotionally spent from endless nights out while still trying to maintain some grasp of normalcy during the day. Then, to see him shouted at by the head detective like he was some kind of disobedient dog who peed on the furniture almost had Eddie swinging. Buck didn’t deserve to be barked at by some asshole who seemed perfectly okay with waving Buck around like a carrot for some psycho who was killing people left and right.

And Eddie _hated_ knowing that Buck was out there, alone, without any back up and being poked and prodded and touched and _flirted_ with while Eddie was stuck waiting at home. He hated himself a little for hating it but he did nevertheless.

He couldn’t keep doing it. Buck couldn’t keep doing it. But Buck would go to the ends of the earth if you asked him to without question. He knew Buck felt like he had some misplaced duty to try and help anyway he could but he wasn’t a cop. He wasn’t a detective. He was Buck. Pure, amazing, wonderful Buck who was running himself ragged trying to keep everyone happy.

Eddie didn’t register the shower turning off but then Buck stepped out, hair curling from the moisture, and a smile parked wide on his face.

“You need to stop,” Eddie blurted out because otherwise he wouldn’t say anything at all.

Buck’s face fell and Eddie scrambled when he saw all the flashes of insecurity dash across Buck’s expression.

“ _Am I being too needy?”_ Buck had asked Eddie one night early on in their relationship and Eddie had wanted to punch whoever put that much doubt into Buck’s head.

Eddie clambered his way from out of the covers and shook his head before Buck could get lost in his own.

“No! No! Sorry,” Eddie said as he tripped over the comforter to get to the end of the bed.

He took Buck’s face in his hands and squeezed his cheeks so he could plant an obnoxious apologetic kiss on his lips.

Buck melted beneath his touch and Eddie kissed him again for good measure.

“I’m sorry,” Eddie said softer, gentler. “I meant the undercover thing. You need to stop.”

Buck frowned and shook his head as he pulled away. “I’m fine.”

“You’re not fine,” Eddie argued and if he needed any more proof, the fact that Buck wouldn’t look him in the eye anymore was proof enough. “You almost broke down crying in front of me two days ago!”

He knew Buck felt bad but that wasn’t the problem. Buck flushed as he turned away from Eddie, retreating into his fidgets like he always did when he thought a confrontation was coming. Buck snatched Eddie’s shirt from the floor and probably didn’t even realize it wasn’t his as he twisted his hands around the material.

“Eddie,” Buck said as he hid his face into his dresser and searched for a pair of briefs. “I was just tired. Athena got me the night off. I slept all day today. I’m good now.”

Eddie clenched his jaw. He knew what Buck was hearing. He knew he thought Eddie was saying he didn’t think he could do it. But that wasn’t what he was trying to say and he needed Buck to listen to him. Really listen to him. Because it was eating him up inside to see Buck this way. 

“But you’re not good, Buck. You nearly had a panic attack at a scene. Some stranger knew your name. You’re running on fumes. You aren’t eating.” The more Eddie listed the more anger he felt pooling into his stomach.

Buck still wouldn’t look at him as he dressed and Eddie couldn’t help but feel like he was being avoided.

It was such a difference between his relationship with Shannon. Shannon had no problem going toe to toe with Eddie and snapping right back at him when the hot irritation clouded his judgement as his temper flared. They’d been two heated, passionate people who loved as intensely as they fought. But Buck, who had no problem calling Eddie out on his shit when it was necessary, shied away from any sign of conflict. It was like he thought that if he pretended it wasn’t happening, it would be over soon and it threw Eddie for a loop every time. He didn’t understand how Buck could love so openly and unquestionably only to then shy away whenever someone poked too hard. If Shannon and Eddie had been two sparks, then Buck was the balm to Eddie’s fire.

 _And he just didn’t get it_.

“Do you want to be pulled from duty again?”

It was a low blow but he’d been hoping it would be the thing to get through to Buck. But, of course, that was the part that Buck heard. Not the rest of it! Buck’s head snapped to look at him with a tinge of panic in his voice.

“What do you mean pulled from duty? D-did Bobby say something to you? Is he taking me off the team?”

Eddie threw his hands in the air and blew out a sharp breath from between his teeth.

“Of course, not Buck! Would you listen to what I am trying to say?”

“What’s going on?” Buck shifted his weight on his feet and frowned. “It’s only for a few more days---”

But Eddie cut him off with a shake of his head.

“That’s not good enough,” he said, his voice sounding harsher with each passing word. “I'm tired, Buck. I hate seeing you fall apart because you’re scared of your own shadow now. I hate that the only bit of sleep you seem to be getting is in the truck between calls. I hate that while you’re out there whoring yourself out for the cops, I’m at home worried you’re about to get stabbed by a murderer or something.”

“I’m _not_ whoring myself out for anybody---”

“Well, how am I supposed to know?”

Eddie knew the instant the words left his lips it’d been the wrong thing to say. Buck reared back as if he’d been struck and he only caught a glimpse of the brief flash of hurt cross Buck’s face before his expression hardened, shutting down and blocking himself off from Eddie.

“Because you’re supposed to trust me.” Buck bit out, low and angry. He reached for his pants and barely threw them on before he was rushing down the stairs of his loft. Eddie scrambled out of bed to chase after him.

“Buck,” Eddie called as Buck shoved his feet into his boots. “Buck, wait! I do trust you.”

“Well, it doesn’t really feel like it.”

And without a second glance, Buck grabbed his keys and stormed out of his apartment with a slam of his door.

* * *

Buck had no idea why he thought going to a bar was a good idea but anywhere else was better than trapped in his apartment with Eddie. He _knew_ it’d been hard on Eddie. But at least Buck had tried. He was being pulled in a million directions but he tried. He made Eddie a priority. He called when he got home. He’d been up front about what Jameson had asked him to do. He’d been clear about why he’d agreed to do it in the first place. He’d been honest when he had told him that none of it meant anything.

“Whoring yourself.” That’s what Eddie had said.

He didn’t mean it. Buck knew that. Eddie always struggled to chew on his words before he said them and Buck knew Eddie was frustrated so his filter was nonexistent.

But those words still hurt.

They _stung._

And Buck forced himself to sit at the bar and order a beer so he didn’t just sit in his Jeep and cry like a loser.

At least this bar was a quiet shield and ladder joint that had mumbled laughter and an unspoken rule of leaving people who were drinking by themselves the hell alone. He could’ve gone to Maddie’s but she was already annoyed there wasn’t anything she could do about Jameson. He loved his sister but he also knew her enough to know she’d turn her frustrations on Eddie and he didn’t need that. Besides, she was having dinner with Chimney.

His phone vibrated against the counter again and Buck pointedly chugged the last of his beer while he ignored it _again._

A glass of whisky dropped in front of him with a resounding clunk against the wood of the bar top.

“Well, you look shitty for someone who had a night off,” Nolan’s voice was almost shattering when it was his normal volume.

Buck was so used to hearing him shout over loud music or whisper in his ear when he needed to pass along a message that hearing him speak at a normal volume was surreal.

“Hey!” Buck forced a smile on his face. “What are you doing here?”

He supposed if he was going to be forced to interact with someone, Nolan wasn’t a terrible choice for company. He’d been nice. Buck didn’t even care how pathetic that made him that he’d latched onto the one person who been nice to him.

“Same as you. Can’t quite shake the routine.”

Is that why he’d come? Had Buck gotten lost so far on the other side that he’d fallen into a routine? Was that what had Eddie so upset?

“Whoa,” Nolan said. “Was just a joke. Didn’t mean to send you spiraling into your head.”

Buck’s face heated with an obvious flush and he snatched the glass of whisky to give his hands something to do. A little more than a sip slipped past his lips and he cleared his throat to keep from choking at the spiced warmth that flooded his body.

“Sorry,” Buck said. “Fight with my boyfriend.”

Nolan’s eyebrows lifted. “A boyfriend, huh? And here I thought you flew solo like me.”

“It’s new.” Buck shrugged.

Nolan nodded and then tilted his head knowingly. “And this is the first big stressor?”

Buck didn’t think it would be. When Chief Alonzo and Bobby had first approached him about going on loan he didn’t think twice before agreeing. Anything he could do to help. But he knew it’d been a little harder for Eddie to accept. He guessed he just didn’t realize how much harder.

But Dating Buck and Eddie hadn’t been much different than Best Friends Buck and Eddie. They still hung out and played videos games and drank beer and could read each other like books. They still watched each other’s backs and worked as a team and knew when the other needed help lifting.

He knew the differences. For one, he was able to kiss Eddie all he wanted. For another, he got to see a side of Eddie more openly that he often kept close to his chest. He got to see all the things that Eddie kept private and separated from the team. Things like his doubts and linger pain from Shannon’s death and adorable infatuation for Christopher that was a bit extreme and his insecurity over the smallest things and everything else.

Buck didn’t realize that meant that their trust had been different. He didn’t realize that meant that Eddie’s jealousy would sour into suspicion.

“Yeah, I guess.” Buck took another careful sip and hummed as he appreciated the taste more.

Shield and ladder bars were usually held together like their patrons; with guerilla tape and pure stubbornness. But, they were also never in short supply of good quality liquor.

He could already feel the alcohol numbing the back of his tongue but that’s what he got for drinking on an almost empty stomach.

Nolan took a sip of his drink and nodded. 

“It’s hard work,” Nolan mused into his glass. “But it’s hard on our families too. They don’t get that you have to be another person. That… you have to shred part of yourself open so you can become someone else. My girlfriend… well...”

Nolan paused and tipped his glass.

“My ex-girlfriend didn’t get it. She didn’t get why I would come home with a hole in my chest and couldn’t just put myself back together in a snap.”

Buck watched as Nolan lost himself a little too.

It was funny. Buck didn’t know why he expected Nolan to look any different outside of their weird little undercover bubble. But Nolan’s job had been to disappear in the shadows. He was unassuming both in looks and in nature. Memorable in the way that he was meant to be immemorable. He was an about inch taller than Buck which had been one of the first things he’d noticed about him because Buck didn’t often get to experience being the shorter one. He was broad in the way that high school football players were if they kept up their workouts after they burned out. With his dark hair and even darker eyes, anyone would assume he was tall, dark, and brooding. But he had a kind smile and a sense of humor that lit up his eyes.

And he’d been the one stable consistency in world of uncertainty for Buck.

If Buck hadn’t been hopelessly head over heels for a boyfriend he was angry at, Nolan would’ve been right up Buck 1.0’s alley.

He hoped they could still be friends after everything was done.

“I’m sorry man,” Buck said.

Nolan shot Buck a grateful smile and shook his head. “Don’t be.”

Nolan tipped his glass to Buck and Buck lifted his own to clink against his before they sipped at their whisky again. He savored the combination of cedar wood and cashews on his taste palette before he swallowed and allowed the rush of warmth to tingle all the way down his chest.

Eddie would’ve liked it. They didn’t often venture away from their six pack and pizza but some nights when they were feeling bold, they shared a glass or two of the Kentucky style bourbon that Eddie’s buddy had sent him as a going away present when he’d moved from El Paso.

Buck’s phone jerked alive with an aggressive twitch and he sighed as he flipped it over and saw Eddie’s face.

He silenced it and dropped his phone back onto the bar top. A wordless question was on Nolan’s face as he watched Buck and Buck shifted in his seat, feeling a little like he’d been caught being a dick.

“Boyfriend.” Buck supplied as he took another sip of his whisky.

“Figured,” Nolan said, his own phone quiet and unmoving.

The idea of that being Buck’s future made him queasy. “We’re still… a new thing and I just thought… I thought he trusted me more, you know?”

It still hurt to remember the way Eddie’s words had cut across him.

Nolan hummed and swirled the almost empty glass in his hands.

“Well, maybe it’s not you he doesn’t trust.” Nolan waved a finger at the random people in the bar, more brazen and noticeable when he didn’t have to be in the shadows. “But them. People. That's why Jameson's such a hard ass. He's got to keep his eye on you and about a hundred other people all at once. You can't trust any of them.”

Buck frowned. He didn’t like feeling that way. He’d spent so much of his life alone… he didn’t like doubting people before he got to know them. He’d had enough of people judging him before they even knew him to know he never wanted to be that guy. It was one of the reasons he loved his job so much. It didn’t matter if they were bad, good, scary, funny, whatever. In the end, he got to help them no matter what.

But maybe Nolan had a point. Maybe it wasn’t Buck that Eddie didn’t trust but everyone else. He knew Eddie hated feeling… Maybe that was it. Buck had been so caught up on himself and so confused by the explosion of frustration after they’d been having such a good time, that he didn’t notice until it was too late that Eddie had been feeling powerless. Powerless was something Buck was all too familiar with and the last person he wanted to make feel that way was Eddie.

Buck cursed under his breath when he realized that he was going to have to apologize. 

Nolan swallowed the last of his whisky and heaved out a sigh as he savored the taste.

“I hear the LAFD is pulling you back after this weekend,” he said.

Buck ducked his head. He still felt bad but not a lot. He was ready go back to work.

“Is Jameson mad about the case?”

Nolan scoffed. “Are you kidding? He’s furious. But when isn’t he?”

Nolan clapped him on the shoulder and Buck swayed with the motion as the buzz from alcohol on an empty stomach fully kicked in.

“I got to say, I’m going to miss working with you. You were a breath of fresh air.”

Buck flushed with the compliment. “You too, Nolan. Maybe we can catch up some time.”

“Maybe.”

Buck sighed and shot the last of his whisky in one go. He wasn’t going to be driving anyway.

“I got to go. Should probably apologize to my boyfriend for ignoring him all night.”

Nolan smiled and tipped his head in farewell. “See you around! You good to get home?”

“Yeah, I’m just going to get a ride.”

Nolan nodded and moved so Buck could slide from his seat.

Buck’s head spun a little as he stood and he resigned himself to having to call an Uber home. He was still too mad at Eddie to call and tell him to come get him even if he was going to apologize and then hopefully get an apology in return.

Buck could see where Eddie had been coming from but that didn’t make what he said okay.

He’d thought the cold air would’ve helped him sober up a little but his knees felt weak with each passing step. He stopped and tried to swallow back the rushed nausea but all he could do was prop himself up on his thighs and retch.

Nothing came up but his head clouded anyway. Buck swore as his vision dimmed when he stood up again. 

“Was wondering when that would kick in.”

Buck startled back and almost fell over but Nolan grabbed his arm with a bruising grip.

“Did you---” Buck started but when he tried to pull away the world took a massive spin to the left and his feet tripped at the shift in gravity.

Nolan wrapped an arm around him and slipped a hand over Buck’s mouth as he dragged Buck away. Buck dug his toe into the gravel and tried to swat Nolan into letting him go but his limbs flopped uselessly at his side and Nolan was dragging him upstream and the opposite direction that the world was spinning and he couldn’t figure out which way was up anymore. Buck’s knees buckled beneath him and the world flipped upside down as Nolan threw him over his shoulder.

It was so… dark out and Eddie… where was Eddie? He was supposed to be with Eddie tonight.

How was he supposed to find Eddie when everything went dark?

* * *

When Maddie opened her door, she’d been expecting the delivery man baring her dumplings and hopefully, hot mustard. What’d she didn’t expect was Eddie Diaz.

“Uh… Hi, Eddie?”

Eddie jerked at his name and rubbed his hands down the back of his pants.

“Is Buck here?”

“Buck? No. Why---”

“Is that Eddie?”

Chim peered around Maddie to see Eddie’s expression shatter for a moment before his friend pulled everything back in behind a pinched pair of lips and a clench of his jaw.

“I messed up.” Eddie bit out. “Please, if he’s here… He doesn’t have---I just want to know he’s okay.”

Chim shared a glance with Maddie and saw the same confusion he was feeling mirrored on her face. Eddie looked close to breaking. Buck being gone for so long had… been hard on him which made sense when Eddie had gone all caveman and kissed Buck in front of them but this was something entirely different.

“Come on, man. Come inside.” Chim reached out until he could get a solid grip on Eddie’s shoulder and pulled him into the apartment.

Maddie watched with a frown, her eyes bouncing between Eddie and Chim, as she pulled out her phone and ducked into the other room.

“Eddie,” Chim said when Eddie sucked in a sharp breath that had his fist curling tight at his side. “Come on. Sit down. What happened?”

Eddie dropped onto the couch with enough obvious self-deprecating weight on his shoulders that it was a miracle that his couch didn’t break.

“I messed up,” Eddie repeated.

He shoved his hand over his face and rubbed, hard.

“What happened?”

Eddie's hand curled up to the back of his neck and pulled on the growing hair. “We got into a fight. I was trying to get him to stop all of this undercover bullshit and I… I screwed up.”

Eddie was like a live wire of tension that Chim was almost afraid to touch in case he snapped.

“Look,” Chim said carefully. He didn’t really want to get involved in the middle of whatever lovers’ quarrel Buck and Eddie were obviously acting out but they were also his friends. Eddie was openly worried and from the guy who usually held it together better than even Cap, that was a little alarming.

“You know Buck. Whatever you said… he just needs to blow off some steam and then he’ll back and forgiving you in a heartbeat.”

But Eddie shook his head. “No, Chim. You don’t get it. I said… the _worst_ things. And now he won’t answer my calls or my texts and it’s been hours.”

“Well,” Maddie cut in.

She didn’t indicate whether or not she heard Eddie’s admission but from the sharp arch in her eyebrow, Chim was going to lean towards former.

“He’s not answering me either. But, I’ve got his phone on my shared locations. He’s at a bar called Axe and Belts?”

“That’s a shield and ladder bar,” Chim added.

Maddie fixed Eddie with a look that promised a future _talk_ later that Chim definitely didn’t want to be in the middle. “Do you want to go get him or should I?”

“I’ll go,” Chim answered.

Knowing Buck, if he was mad at Eddie, he probably didn’t want big sister Maddie thundering in while he got shit faced. Which is how Chim found himself pulling into the gravel lot by the bar twenty minutes later with a sullen Eddie in the passenger seat.

Buck’s silver Jeep sat in park three rows ahead.

“Wait here,” Chim said with a point of his finger.

The last thing they needed was Buck and Eddie to have it out in front of witnesses that they also ran into at work from time to time.

The Jeep was cool to the touch when he walked by and Buck wasn’t passed out in the back which was good, he supposed. The bar was certainly louder than the parking lot and he was greeted with familiar faces from all different departments and stations throughout LA.

“Hey Chimney!”

The last time Chim had seen Tommy Kinnard had been when he’d fumbled through a visit after Chim had survived a rebar through his head. He held out a hand and pulled Chim in for a quick hug.

“What are you doing here? You come to pick up your guy?”

 _Buck._ So, it was worse than he thought if Buck had been drunk enough to be noticed. Maybe he shouldn’t have brought Eddie along after all.

Chim nodded. “Yeah. You know where he is?”

But Tommy frowned and pointed back towards the entrance.

“I think he went out front to wait for you.”

And that… was weird. Chimney hadn't seen Buck up front. Buck was a giant and pretty unmissable even if he tried.

“Everything okay?” Tommy asked.

“Uh…” Chim said, glancing around again for any sight of a missing drunk, probably sad, human shaped golden retriever. “I don’t know. You said he went outside?”

Tommy nodded and Chim pulled out his phone to check Buck’s location. Maybe he’d missed him back at his Jeep. But when he stepped outside, the only other person was Eddie who had gotten out of the car despite Chimney telling him otherwise.

“Where is he?” Eddie called when Chim came out without Buck.

Chim met Eddie half way at Buck’s Jeep and he peered inside again. Empty.

Unease crawled up Chim’s spine as he spun around the parking lot for any sign of Buck but he was met with nothing but the ever-present traffic sounds of Los Angeles.

“Chim,” Eddie said again, something desperate clouding his tone. “Where is he?”

Chim lifted a finger and pulled up the app again. Maybe Buck was passed out somewhere at the wrong car. He was probably doing something stupid that he would gladly tattle on to Maddie about him. Anything to rationalize the apprehensive dawning he was trying not to think about. Chim pressed the alert button on the app and waited for the bell to sound.

_Ding._

Chim sagged in relief and hurried to follow the sound as it rang again.

_Ding._

It was the most bored sounding ring and if Buck was drunk enough it probably wouldn’t penetrate through his alcohol induced haze.

_Ding._

“Why is he in the back?” Eddie wondered out loud as he followed.

But when they got to the back, Buck wasn’t there either.

His phone, however, was.

_Ding._

It chimed on the pavement alone and abandoned.

* * *

Buck awoke to darkness and a jolt of a pothole that made his world spin. Then everything _ached_.

His knees screamed at him from his cramped position and his legs were so numb they hurt.

Another pothole knocked Buck over and his stomach gave a spectacular roll. Buck groaned into the carpet as his head pulsed behind his eyes and the spinning didn’t stop but he couldn’t throw up. No, there was too much tape around his mouth.

Tape? Why was there tape?

Hot zapping electricity shot through his wrist as he pulled against the heavy plastic zip ties keeping his hands joined together against the small of his back.

Was he… was he in a trunk?

A sharp breath whistled through his nose but it wasn’t enough air and he was going to suffocate and---

_Calm down._

He needed to calm down. He could breathe. He could breathe. If he panicked, he would start to hyperventilate and then wouldn’t be able to breathe.

_Calm down. Calm down. Calm down._

Buck forced himself to take another deep breath in through his nose.

He could breathe.

_“Was wondering when that would kick in.”_

Buck flinched as his memory crashed back into him. Nolan. It’d been Nolan the whole time. Nolan who was a cop and had been watching Buck from the beginning.

He had to get out of there. He had to get out of the trunk and run as far as he could.

Or… he had to leave enough evidence behind for them to connect Buck to the car.

It was a sobering thought and made Buck cold in realization. There was a very high chance he was going to die and the last place anyone was going to see Buck was drinking through the anger from a stupid fight he had with his boyfriend with a guy no one would suspect.

It’d run cold. Nolan was a cop. He was a cop! He knew more than anyone how to cover his tracks and Buck would be just another dead end.

He couldn’t do that to Maddie and Eddie. He… He couldn’t… A tear slipped down the bridge of his nose and he hated himself a little for it because he’d been so stupid. He knew better. _He knew better._ He knew better than to take a drink he didn’t see poured but he’d trusted Nolan like an idiot and now…

No. No, he needed to be smart.

Buck swallowed back the nausea and rubbed his face all over the carpet of the trunk, pushing his head against every surface for the off chance that some of his hair would tangle into the fibers.

The car veered towards the left and Buck slid so hard into the side that he blacked out for a few seconds. When the world centered again, he forced himself to take another handful of measured breaths before he could make himself sick. He couldn’t get sick. If he got sick then he’d asphyxiate and---

_Breathe. Breathe._

Whatever Nolan had given him was still running rampant in Buck’s system because every crashing wave of sickness threatened to take Buck back under and he couldn’t do that. He had to at least try and get out. He had to try.

Buck rolled over onto his back and grimaced at the series of pops along his spine that did little to relieve the heavy ache that throbbed all the way down to his bones. He flexed his hands and searched around for anything at all he could use but the trunk was almost too small and Buck was taking up too much space, it would’ve been impossible for him to miss anything that would help. 

The car jerked and Buck gritted his teeth to prep for a roll as he moved with the momentum of the turn until his back was pressed up against the trunk lid.

Most newer model cars had an escape latch and if he could grab that then he could pop the trunk. From the speed he could feel that Nolan was going, it wasn’t going to be a pretty landing but it’d get him out of the car long enough to run.

The bump of a bolt nailing down the emergency release under Buck’s hand almost sent him into tears again. He should’ve known Nolan would’ve tampered with it. A frustrated mewl broke from deep inside him that he struggled to pull back in.

He never should’ve left after their fight. He was going to die and the last memory Eddie was going to have of him was Buck slamming the door in his face.

He wished he’d never agreed to the stupid assignment. Stupid. So, fucking stupid.

Bobby had tried to tell him and he didn’t listen. He never listened. 

He was definitely crying again and Buck shuddered as the buildup of snot made it hard to breathe.

Maddie was going to have to identify his body. Chim would be there for her but she was going to have to make the unpleasant phone call to their parents and tell them he’d been an idiot and gotten himself killed. Would they care?

A small part of Buck still hoped they would.

So, much of his life had been spent being ignored or being screamed at that there’d never been an in between he could settle on. At least, not until he met Eddie. Eddie, who would laugh with him after an adrenaline come down. Eddie, who was the only person Buck had been truly comfortable with to be all of himself.

Buck dying would wreck Eddie. He’d crumpled slowly after Shannon but with a little help they’d been able to pull him back together. Buck wasn’t sure they’d be able to do it a second time.

He hoped that Bobby wouldn’t be too mad at him. Bobby had tried to talk him out of it. 

He was going to miss Hen.

He was never going to get back to his team.

That awareness nearly broke him.

He was never going to see them again.

Buck dropped his head into the carpet and let out a suffocating sob.

His shoulders heaved as he cried and breathing was definitely passing into the realm of difficult.

He wanted to go home. He wanted to go home so badly.

_So, figure it out, Buck._

But how?

He can’t quit. He _wasn’t_ quitting. But he didn’t know what to do. Buck pulled against the zip ties but all that managed to do was send a thrumming pain all the way up his arms. None of his training prepared him for a kidnapping or how to get out of police grade zip ties. Buck knew how to put out fires and pry apart metal with the jaws of life and screw up relationships and be annoying with enough facts to battle Jeopardy contestants and---

Buck knew how to get out of a trapped car. Granted, his training had prepared him for a sinking car and not tied up in the trunk but he knew ever weak spot. If he could kick out the tail light then he could flag someone down.

The car turned and Buck slid across the trunk again but this time he’d gone head first which meant his legs could stretch out a bit. He wiggled until he was on his back again and toed around the corner near the bumper.

The soft echo was all Buck needed to hear when his toe eventually found it.

He kicked, hard, and bite back the wince of the pain shooting up his foot. He kicked again and again until the tail light rocketed out of its jointing and disappeared. Fresh cool air rushed into the trunk.

Buck shuffled as fast as he could navigate his body in such a small space and was probably making more noise than he should but there was no way Nolan didn’t hear the shattering of his brake light so Buck was running on limited time. He finally was able to pull his legs close enough to his chest so that he could peering out in the opening---

Only to be met by a view of utter stillness.

Gone were the endless buildings and people of LA. Instead, all Buck could see were trees and hills and an empty road without a light for miles.

There was no one.

It was completely desolate.

No one.

Buck was too busy trying to keep his heart from plummeting to notice that the car jerked to a sudden stop.

A hand reached into the new opening and twisted in Buck’s hair as it dragged him up against the trunk wall. Buck cried out at the intense agony on his scalp. With a click, the trunk roof opened and Nolan scowled down at Buck. Nolan switched hands with a curse and yanked Buck up by his hair.

“Nice try, Buckley,” Nolan said before he slammed Buck’s head down on the lip of the trunk and everything went black.

* * *

The only reason Bobby got past the outstretched hands and yellow tape without a fight was because Athena was flashing her badge right behind him.

There were first responders everywhere. On duty and off duty cops were swarming the area, combing through every inch of the parking lot as Jameson barked orders. Off duty firefighters were lumped together and murmuring to themselves as they watched from the sidelines or answered questions from uniformed officers. An air of palpable tension lingered and Bobby could understand. Even if they didn’t know Buck personally, a firefighter had been taken under the cops watch, and the simmer of resentment was sparked by the loyalty to that brotherhood.

But Bobby was a captain and a leader and he fought down every heated indignant thought that sent his hackles rising. He had other things to worry about. Mainly Buck but also…

“Chim?” He called, his voice cracking as he spotted them. “Eddie?”

Both of his firefighters startled at their names. Chim visibly relaxed when he caught sight of Bobby rushing over to them but Eddie was still tense like a live wire ready to crack. He placed a grounding hand on his shoulder and hoped that’d be enough to smother the embers of rage he knew Eddie battled with.

“What happened?”

“Buck and I got into a fight,” Eddie bit out. “He stormed out and came here. Witnesses say they saw him leave but after that he disappeared.”

Jameson strode up to them with a resigned sigh.

“How?” Athena asked, her tone even and more professional than Bobby was feeling graced with but clipped and to the point.

“Your boy was off duty. None of the possible suspects checked out. Our most promising suspect, Rochester, is still in the hospital.” Jameson pointed at the bar. “Cameras show Buckley arriving around 8:32 and then leaving around 10.”

“So, what?” Chim asked as he crossed his arms over his chest. “Buck’s just gone? Poof?”

Jameson opened his mouth but Eddie cut in with a razor-sharp snap.

“How could you let something like this happen?” Eddie’s shoulder was trembling beneath Bobby’s hand.

Bobby squeezed his shoulder and shook his head. “Everyone needs to take a breath.”

“ _I can’t,”_ Eddie hissed out with a low exhale. “I can’t, Cap. Not while we have no idea where Buck is because this asshole hung him out to dry and doesn’t have a clue who could’ve possibly taken him!”

Jameson stared back at Eddie with a raised brow.

“You done?” He asked with an unimpressed huff and Bobby felt the moment Eddie leaned into a lunge.

He grabbed Eddie and pulled him back while Chim stepped in the middle and pushed.

“Stop it!” Athena jumped between them and held up a stern finger. “None of this is helping, Buck!”

“She’s right,” Jameson said with a scowl. “But his disappearance does.”

Bobby swung his gaze around and glared at the detective.

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

“It means that I have an idea of who took Buckley.”

* * *

When Buck awoke for the second time, he couldn’t open his eyes and that nearly ended him. But he forced himself to get a grip and shoved the panicked feelings down until he could take in his surroundings again. Yes, he was still in the car. No, he wasn’t blind. The tips of his ears stuck to some left over adhesive from the layers and layers of duct tape wound around his eyes and he grimaced as his hair pulled with each turn of his head.

His head throbbed with each stifling breath but his center of gravity no longer felt like he was being swung around upside down so that helped. He held on tight to the clarity with a stubborn iron fist.

He had to get out. The further out from populated areas, the less likely Buck was going to be able to get any help. He flexed his hands and curled his fingers around the zip tie handcuffs. They were tight and gave little room to move making Buck’s fingers almost cold to the touch against his palm so he wasn’t going to be able to slip them. He pushed himself onto his knees for what little leverage he could get and _pulled._

His wrists screamed at him and the tremble of resistance climbed all the way down his forearms but he didn’t stop until his lungs cried out for air. Buck dropped as he gulped for air through his nose again and rode out the worst of the pulsing pain before he tried again.

Nothing.

Buck was on his third try when the car stopped and he hurried to fall back onto his side before Nolan noticed he’d been trying to break free. The last thing he needed was for Nolan to switch the zip cuffs to metal cuffs. He strained to listen past the thundering in his ears but all he could hear was the lethal hum of silence.

No cars. No city sounds. Nothing.

Footsteps.

Buck gulped down the rising panic in his chest at the sound of Nolan’s dragging footsteps. He had to stay calm. If he broke, then he was as good as dead and he wasn’t about to give up.

The trunk opened with a click and the cold night air that hit Buck in the face was enough to send a shiver down his spine that settled in his hands and wouldn’t stop.

Buck couldn’t see past the tape but he felt Nolan’s eyes on him like a hot flame against his skin. He wilted when the attention seemed never ending. Nausea coiled tight in his stomach as he involuntarily visualized what he must look like and Nolan was just watching; doing nothing but staring down at Buck like he was a picture.

How had he missed this? Had he been so desperately consumed with his need for one ounce of approval that he’d been blinded by what had been right in front of him?

Why wasn’t Nolan doing anything?

Buck full body flinched when rough hands grabbed him from under his armpits but Nolan was pulling him out of the trunk before he could get away. Buck tried to get his legs under him but Nolan was pulling him too fast and too roughly and he panicked when his back met air. Nolan heaved him close and then dropped him.

Buck curled at the last moment and protected his hands from the shattering impact of his body against solid ground but the world shifted in the opposite direction again. The dizziness alone took his breath away as his legs followed in a graceless heap.

Nolan’s hand grabbed him by his jaw and lifted him with a punishing squeeze that was sure to leave bruises.

“If you scream, all you’ll succeed at doing is pissing me off,” Nolan said, his breath hot against Buck’s face. “Nod if you understand.”

Still reeling, Buck nodded and felt as Nolan’s fingers dug into the seam of the tape around his mouth. He gulped in a rushed taste of fresh air through his mouth the moment he was free.

“See, Buckley?” Nolan said with a patronizing pat against the side of Buck’s head. “You can do what your told.”

Buck wanted nothing more than to punch Nolan in the face as hard as he could but his hands were still tied and the tape around his eyes remained. So, he settled for throwing up on what he hoped were Nolan’s shoes instead.

Nolan cursed and pushed Buck back hard enough that he rolled and the spins attacked him again. A boot kicked into his stomach and Buck curled over as he gasped for air.

“Get up,” Nolan hissed as he grabbed Buck’s hair and pulled him up by the roots. “Get up!”

Buck struggled to get his legs under him but he wasn’t fast enough and Nolan grabbed him by the scuff of his shirt and yanked until Buck’s feet could hold him.

“Walk,” Nolan ordered and grabbed onto Buck’s arm to guide him with a bruising grip. He was still blind but the heady scent of pine and mud were big enough clues for him to realize that Nolan was dragging him deep into the woods.

Los Angeles was surrounded by handful of national parks and forests and without Buck’s eyes, he couldn’t even begin to figure out which one they were hiking through. But without his eyes and the wooziness only churning in his stomach with each passing step, it felt like hours before they finally stopped.

“Down.” Nolan pushed Buck to the ground with only one word of warning.

His chin clipped something--- maybe a stick or a rock--- and rattled Buck’s teeth together. Nolan latched onto his hair again and yanked him back up until he could sit on what felt like a smooth stone ledge. Buck’s heart thundered in his chest as he pictured all the cliff sides he could be sitting on. Was Nolan going to shove him off the edge? But then Nolan seemed to move in front of Buck and grabbed his leg. Buck shrunk back and tried to pull away because Nolan had his bad leg and he’d worked hard to get back his complete mobility the last time and there was no way he’d be able to do it again if he suffered more damage to it. Nolan jerked him back and then started working on Buck’s laces.

“W-what are you d-doing?” Buck stammered out.

But Nolan didn’t answer him and instead snatched off Buck’s boot off his foot and tossed it somewhere with a resounding _thud._ When he finished the same treatment with the other one he disappeared again and left Buck to shiver against the cold chill setting in on his feet.

Buck took a measured breath and waited. His skin felt too hot against the frigid air and for some reason, being barefoot in the woods was just as terrifying as being tied up and blind in the woods.

He couldn’t hear Nolan and for one petrifying moment, Buck couldn’t help but wonder if Nolan had left him to die from exposure on his own.

Suddenly, a hand curled around his throat and held him in place and Buck stopped breathing.

Not because the hand was squeezing but because the pressure was enough of a promise for what was to come. The hand pulled Buck forward until his head was bowed and then he felt Nolan fingering the tape that was sticking to his hair. He unwound the duct tape from around Buck’s head with a brutal rip that pulled on some of Buck’s hair until finally Buck could see.

He reared back at how close Nolan was to his face but the hand on his throat stopped him from getting far.

“No, no, Buckley,” Nolan said with a tsk of his tongue against his teeth. “We’re just getting settled. Relax. Take in the view.”

Buck blinked back and fought down the urge to panic again as Nolan moved his other hand to stroke at his birthmark.

They were in the middle of the wounds somewhere with trees miles high surrounding them. Now that his eyes were free, Buck could see that he wasn’t sitting on a cliffside but rather a man-made ledge surrounding what looked like a massive fire pit with cleared up ashes sitting in a sprayed pile in the middle. An old forgotten picnic table sat off to the side and a turned over trash can was covered with moss and rust. Chances were the trail to this place was closed and Nolan had learned that he wouldn’t be disturbed in the old abandoned campground.

“I said,” Nolan growled and forced Buck’s head back until his face was skyward. “Take in the view.”

Above the tree line was an open view of endless stars littering the sky. The moon was full and bright and offering the only light in the otherwise dark world Buck was trapped in. He hadn’t seen the stars like that since the last time he went camping back in Pennsylvania. Light pollution and smog created a thin veil of congestion over Los Angeles so you could never see anything close to what he was looking at. 

It was beautiful.

“This is where it all started.” Nolan hummed, his thumb rough against Buck’s birthmark.

His grip on Buck’s jaw turned to steel when Buck tried to shy away.

“This,” Nolan said, giving Buck shake. “Is where she was supposed to say yes. Instead, she told me she was leaving me for her coworker.”

“Let me guess,” Buck said, his voice sounding braver than he felt. “He had birthmark of some kind?”

Nolan snorted.

“Smarter than you look.” He lifted a clawed hand and touched the side of his face. “Big ol’ port wine mark that covered the whole half of his face. Do you want to see? I buried him over there.”

Buck tensed as Nolan slammed his head back and pushed hard into his own birthmark again.

“Not like yours, Buckley. Yours is small.”

The hand returned to Buck’s bared throat and kept him in place as Nolan pressed against him to stare even closer.

“But you’re all the same. You think you’re so special but you’re not. There’s nothing special about you.”

And then because the terror in Buck’s chest soured into something close to anger, he turned and spat out, “At least I’m not forgettable like you.”

Fury wouldn’t even begin to describe what passed over Nolan’s face. He jumped up over the lip of the firepit and dragged Buck back by the scoff of his shirt. Buck choked as the lining of his collar cut against his throat and struggled to lift his legs enough to ease some of the tension. But Nolan raised him up and punched him with a fist that had to be made of cement. Buck felt blood pool in his mouth as he dropped like a stone and he could only curl inward when a foot kicked him once and then twice and then again for good measure in the stomach.

He gagged against the dirt and willed his lungs to do something so he could breathe again but Nolan didn’t let up and he stomped a foot down on Buck’s kidneys. Buck tried to crawl away, his instincts taking over to flee when he couldn’t fight but Nolan grabbed onto the back of his pants and dragged him back. His face skidded against rocks and twigs that cut at his skin and tangled in his hair.

“You know, Buckley,” Nolan said calmly as if he wasn’t fighting against Buck’s struggles. “I’m kind of bummed I have to kill you. You were a cool dude.”

“Do you expect me to say thank you?”

Nolan flipped Buck onto his stomach and dropped onto his hips. The extra weight made something in Buck shift and he gasped as a broken rib screamed against being sandwiched between the ground and someone on top of him.

“You’re lucky,” Nolan said, low and hot against Buck’s ear. “That all I’m doing is killing you.”

Buck froze at Nolan’s meaning. Icy horror settled along his spin as Nolan grinded against him.

“Not that you aren’t a looker, Buckley,” Nolan added.

“Get off me.” Buck bite out as Nolan tucked his face into Buck’s hair and _sniffed._

Nolan sighed and leaned away only to turn Buck onto his back.

“But I just don’t have the time.” Nolan thumbed Buck’s birthmark again. “It’s been real, Evan.”

And then his hands were around Buck’s throat and squeezing.

Buck choked as Nolan’s grip cut off the oxygen he’d been so desperately gasping. He jerked and bucked but Nolan’s expression was flat and emotionless as he dropped all his weight onto Buck’s hips and pressed down into Buck’s windpipe.

Air that’d been trapped in Buck’s lungs rattled to get free and nothing was coming through. His body skyrocketed from cold to hot as he struggled to breathe only for the freezing numbness to settle over him like a blanket as his vision spotted.

He couldn’t breathe. A distant part of him could tell he was crying again but he was too busy trying to find some kind of reprieve to care. He couldn’t breathe. He was going to die.

He tore his gaze away from Nolan to look at the stars again in a desperate attempt to find some comfort as his vision blurred in and out of focus.

He couldn’t breathe. He was going to die. And the last thing he wanted to see was Nolan’s unmemorable face. At least when he looked at the stars he could die thinking of Eddie and Maddie and Bobby and Hen and Chim and Athena. His friends. His family. The people who wouldn’t forget him.

The siren was so distant Buck thought he was imagining it.

Nolan startled and turned to check over his shoulder which meant that he heard it too.

The loud blare of a horn sent the birds in the trees flying overheard but it sent Buck’s heart soaring at the sound. He knew what kind of horn that was.

The horn blasted again and Buck took his moment.

He hooked his leg over Nolan’s hip and threw himself up and into Nolan's side which sent them sprawling over in a heap.

Buck let out a strangled gasp as he took in his first breath of air in what felt like a lifetime and then pushed with all his might to get his legs under him. Nolan cursed and grabbed onto his calf, digging his nails into the denim of Buck’s jeans, and sending Buck face first into the dirt but there was something Nolan hadn’t been counting on.

Buck had a boyfriend who had an almost unhealthy obsession with MMA and Buck knew how to kick.

He felt Nolan’s nose break under his heel and crawled away the moment he was free. The horn blasted again like an eruption that broke the silence of the woods and Buck cried out in reply. The sound was hoarse and raw and left his throat on fire but Buck didn’t care. He fell onto his shoulder as some wet leaves slipped under his feet but once he was up, Buck was running as fast as he could.

Suddenly, Nolan taking his shoes off made a lot more sense as he bite back the curse after he stepped on something sharp but Buck was running on adrenaline now and the longer the horn and the siren called out, the more sure he was that he knew it was for him. His lungs were tight in his chest as he pushed himself to run faster and faster towards the sound but stopping wasn’t an option. He had to get away. He had to get to help.

He tripped and his heart flew into his throat as he almost face planted on the ground but he kept his balance and ran faster. Buck didn’t stop to look back. If Nolan was following him, Buck wouldn’t know, because he couldn’t risk the chance of falling with his hands still behind his back. If he did, he might not get back up again.

Buck could see the echoes of the familiar blue and red lights ahead and the sound of the horn thundered in the ground at his feet.

“Bobby!” Buck screamed, ragged and tattered sounding against his own ears. “Bobby!”

And then a body knocked into Buck and sent them tumbling to the ground.

“No!” Nolan shouted and smashed his fist into Buck's face over and over again. “You do not get away from me! No!”

His hands wrapped around Buck’s throat.

Buck would’ve cried if he had the air but Nolan’s hands were like steel and he scrambled against the dirt as he tried to breathe. Nolan lifted Buck by his neck and slammed him back down into the ground. Dazed, he struggled and kicked his legs out but it wasn't enough. He’d been so close! He’d been so close!

“Buck!”

A light flashed onto them as the sound of a gun’s safety clicked like lightening in the silence.

“Get the fuck off him, Nolan.” Jameson growled as he aimed his gun at him.

In the harsh light Buck could see Nolan’s expression contort into an ugly twist of fury as the blood from his messed-up nose marred his unremarkable face. But that was all Buck could see as Nolan’s hands tightened and a cut off whine slipped past Buck’s lips.

“I said get off him!”

More officers circled around them and Nolan watched them carefully as the woods became littered with more lights and guns and screaming demands.

And then Buck could breathe and Nolan was being yanked off him.

A harsh cough split his chest in two as Buck curled in on himself and he sucked in another gasp of air. The freedom to breathe was so sweet he was dizzy on it. Buck pressed his face against the cold ground and sobbed.

He could breathe. He could breathe. 

“You’re okay, Buck,” Bobby’s voice rang over his cries as he slid down beside him.

Strong hands curled around him and pulled him close.

“You’re okay, Buck,” Bobby said, his voice much closer to Buck’s ear. “You’re okay. You’re okay.”

* * *

The ambulance ride and the hospital were a nightmare in their own right. Too many people he didn’t know were poking and prodding at him and when a paramedic touched his neck, Buck almost passed out in panic. Bobby hadn’t let go of his hand the whole time until they reached the doors of the emergency room and the doctors separated them. They were quick to sedate him after that.

Waking up was a slow process and one that Buck struggled to fight through the pain and the drugs they had him hooked up to.

But Athena’s hands were warm against his face and he leaned into the touch on instinct.

“Go back to sleep, Buck,” she whispered with a soothing drag of her fingers across his cheekbone. “You don’t have to keep fighting anymore.”

So, Buck slept.

* * *

Maddie pushed a stray curl out of Buck’s face with the back of her knuckle as her little brother slept.

The sedation should’ve started to wear off but that was okay. Buck deserved the rest.

She forced herself to catalogue his injuries with a critical eye to keep a running tab on things she’d need to watch out for. His feet were covered in small lacerations from running barefoot through the woods and as long as he kept them clean he wouldn’t risk infection. He definitely had a concussion from the bruised knot hidden in his hairline that made the dark circles under his eyes stand out more. The rest of his body was covered in bruises in the shape of hand marks on his face and boot prints that gave way to his three broken ribs. He’d have to work on some breathing therapy to avoid the risk of pneumonia which wouldn’t be easy given that his throat was still swollen.

She inhaled a shudder breath when she saw the harsh purple handprints around his throat.

The blond curl fell over Buck’s eye again and she lifted her finger to push it away.

Buck sighed and turned into the touch.

Bobby, who had been silently watching the steady rise and fall of Buck’s chest, leaned forward and took his hand.

Maddie curled her knuckles and stroked Buck’s cheek as his blue eyes fluttered open.

“Hey there,” Maddie said in a near whisper.

Blurry eyes with a drug induced glaze over the otherwise clear irises took in the room and then Maddie before landing on Bobby.

“You found me,” Buck rasped out with a wince. “I heard the sirens.”

Bobby nodded and rubbed his hands up and down Buck’s forearm, careful of the bruising around his wrists.

“Try not to talk too much, Buck,” Bobby warned.

Maddie lifted a small cup of water and guided the straw to Buck’s lip.

“Easy sips,” Maddie said as she pushed back his hair and felt for a fever like she’d been doing the past hour.

Buck leaned into the touch and drank his fill.

“How?” He asked when he was free of the straw and with a stubborn set in his shoulders.

Maddie, unsurprised, rolled her eyes

“It was Detective Jameson,” Bobby said. “No one in a bar full of first responders remembered seeing anyone out of the ordinary. Realized it had to be someone people knew. When he saw Nolan hadn’t responded to his page, he tracked you down from his social media pages. He had pictures of some hiking trails but… We got lucky. Really lucky.”

Bobby chewed on his lip as he rubbed his hands up Buck’s arm like he was assuring himself that Buck was alive all over again. Maddie knew that Bobby had been beating himself up ever since the hospital staff separated them. He hadn’t left Buck’s side since they’d been allowed in the room.

“Buck,” Bobby said, his voice cracking on the name. “I am so sorry.”

Why? Buck’s lips curled around the word but all that came out was a croak.

“I never should’ve agreed to this in the first place. If I’d just put my foot down---”

Buck shook his head and grimaced, his face going pale. Maddie moved on reflex and grabbed the bed pan the nursing staff had left. Vomiting wasn’t going to be pleasant but with the concussion and the lasts of whatever had been slipped in his drink still in his system, it was a real possibility.

Bobby jumped and helped Buck sit up as Maddie moved the bed pan in front of him. Buck eyed the pan and breathed heavily through his nose. When the wave of nausea seemed to pass without incident Maddie eased back a little.

“Feeling a little better?” Bobby asked. “Or should I go get a doctor?”

Buck shook his head, slower and more careful, before he leaned over and pressed against Bobby’s side. A lethargic hand reached up and patted Bobby’s arm

It was weak and entirely unBuck but it was more than enough to say all the things he couldn’t say.

* * *

Buck definitely was pouting but given the circumstances he felt thoroughly justified. After another quick nap and a few rounds of being poked by the doctor, he’d still hadn’t seen his boyfriend.

Hen had given some excuse about Eddie and Chim having to give their statements to the police but Buck wasn’t in the mood to be reasonable.

So, by the time Eddie did show up, Buck was fully willing to admit he was sulking a little bit.

Surprised, like he wasn't expecting Buck to be awake, Eddie hovered in the door way. 

“Buck,” he said with a gasp. “Hey.”

Eddie looked tired. His thick hair was up in tufts as if he’d been running his fingers through it too many times and his stubble was darker. He didn’t look like he’d slept since their fight and that had been hours prior. The large cup of coffee smelled like heaven even from across the room and Buck almost pouted even more knowing he wouldn’t be able to drink any of it.

“Hi,” Buck said or more like croaked.

“You shouldn’t---” Eddie started.

His expression shifted as he battled his own hang ups and self-doubts and Buck was over him being on the other side of the room.

“I don’t get a kiss?”

A blinding grin broke out on Eddie’s face and he was across the room like a shot. A gentle hand, warm from the abandoned coffee, cupped Buck’s face as Eddie leaned down and kissed Buck senseless. Buck curled a hand around Eddie’s shirt when he started to pull away and Eddie dropped his forehead to rest against Buck’s.

“I’m sorry I said those things,” Eddie said, his voice broken for a multitude of reason. “Buck… _Babe…_ I’m so sorry I said those things.”

“I’m sorry too,” Buck whispered.

He leaned up and kissed Eddie again, dizzy with the relief that he could do it again and again.

And then because he could feel his voice giving out, Buck added, “I broke his nose.”

Eddie frowned, puzzled, but Buck only nodded.

“Kicked him in the face...” Buck sighed. “Just like you showed me.”

The words died on his lips as his throat silenced him again but it was worth it for the proud smile on Eddie’s face and the small laugh that he heard.

* * *

Buck shifted as he stared at the open bay doors like he was seeing his home for the first time all over again.

The bruises had faded and Buck was off his breathing therapy. He could manage to talk at a normal volume after he did his vocal warm ups for most of the day too. Maddie helped with those but he had a feeling his sister was showing off more than actually helping him.

Nolan had been indicted and every news crew had their lens focused on him. Buck hoped he enjoyed feeling of being watched for once. The resentment was an ugly burn in his gut that he didn’t like but Frank had helped him learn to him accept that he was entitled to feel that way without letting it consume him.

But after four weeks of pampering and fussing and coddled and questioned and nightmares and feeling like his world was still tilted on its side, Buck was ready and this time Bobby accepted that.

“You sure about this?” Eddie asked beside him. “You know Bobby will let you take all the time that you need.”

Buck smiled and took Eddie’s hand in his own and thrilled with how easily Eddie laced their fingers together. They hadn’t gotten to do that yet; walk hand in hand into work and out and open for the world to see.

“I’m ready,” Buck said. “It’s time I come back home.”

Eddie nodded and leaned over to peck him on the lips before they walked inside to the cake and banner Hen had promised that read the sweetest words Buck had ever known:

_Welcome Home, Buck!_

**Author's Note:**

> So... *waves hand* this happened.


End file.
